Growing up I would get into clashes with my mum for being the messy one who never tidied his room, so when I first moved out I made it my duty to prove my mum wrong. Well that never materialised, because I am just one of those people who function best in a chaotic environment. I mean I use to get agitated when I would come home and find that all my socks and boxers have been placed in the same drawer. I am not used to that type of organisation. It messes up my male Sat Nav of knowing where every thing is.

See being messy has its perks, for example if a brother like me was dating one of these Detective women who love to find evidence of infidelity, I would never be caught because there is a step by step “when did I have it last?” methodology in finding anything in my room. She would need to be dedicated and invest a lot of time and effort to catch me slipping.

So as a lot of guys would agree, keeping ones room clean has always been the least of our worries. This is usually the case until we have a female visitor potentially staying over. This is where brothers turn into Mr Muscle and start loving the job they previously hated. Bathrooms, kitchen, grass and even the tree hedges gets a little shape up just to make sure that everything is on point for the young lady. But during this process the most revealing moment of all starts when we start to spring clean our bedrooms and start to get a real reflection of who we are and what exactly we have been through.

So I therefore bring you 5 things Men are likely to find in their room when spring cleaning.

5. Condoms

These are a given, but the state of the “jimmy” is usually a perfect indication of ones sexual activity or inactivity for that matter. There are three types:

a) Just the wrapper: This is obviously one that has been used in between the last spring cleaning and is usually found under the bed because once a dude is horny it is a straight rip and dash. This is usually greeted with a state of shock and trying to remember who and when was this used (if you obviously got it like that) or if you are a brother with no game like me, you know exactly who, when, what and how.

b) The past the sales by date “jimmy”: This is usually an indication that it has been a long time since you have got any, or maybe you’re  on this YOLO tip (no protection). Hopefully the former, because STIs are real ya’ll.

c) An actual used “jimmy”. This is just foul and you need to reevaluate your life and hygiene before bringing anyone within a two metres radius of your room.

4. Other People’s Things

Yup, you know what I am talking about. That DVD, Nas CD or PS3 controller that nearly led to a fist fight between two of your boys, was in your room all along and now you are wondering how you can strategically get it back to its rightful owner without being found out.

The last time I cleaned my room, I found things like football kits, Nokia 3210, Blackberry headsets and countless chargers for devices I never owned.

3. Dusty Weights

In every man’s life there is that period where he decided that enough was enough and it was about time he worked on his physique and fitness because a good healthy man is a prosperous one. LIES! Dude who are we kidding, 90% of the motivation is the chicks.

You woke up one morning and realised that the V Neck jumpers were in fashion and your physique was inadequate to say the least. So you decided to hit up Argos and buy some barbells. The reality is, that was the last time they were ever lifted. The motivation went when you managed to pick up a babe on the way to the gym.

2. Something belonging to your ex

I have this theory that women purposely leave things at their man’s house as a way of marking their territory. I honestly believe that you do it under the assumption that any woman that he chooses to bring into his life after you will be deterred by finding some random *ish around his room. Headscarf, Sure for women or a bra just miraculously hanging from his wardrobe, its all tactically left behind.

The funny thing is that due to lack of attention we give to our own rooms these things end up staying there for weeks and months, until you bring home a new women and her Venus senses start to track down these hidden time bombs.

1. Empty Trainer Boxes

Dudes would only have 2 pairs of trainers, but they will keep a hundred boxes of trainers which they purchased decades ago. This was attractive growing up because where I come from you were judged by your footwear. If you wore Nike you got all the pretty girls, if you wore New Balance or Umbros, you got the left over chicks.

People underestimated the power of “crepe” (Trainers) growing up. I honestly believe that your number of sexual partners as a teen is depended on the pairs of Nikes you had. I mean think about it you take a young lady back to your mama’s house and into your room and you are getting comfortable yet she is not sure if she is ready to give up the goods, then she looks around the room seeing boxes of Nike Air Max 90s telling her “Just Do It”. That is why I stopped buying Reeboks with their tagline: “I am What I am”, chicks be acting up with all that “respect me for what I am”. DaMN you Mr Reebok. Anyway I digress, back to the point: Yes, empty trainers boxes. Dudes let it go! unless you are going to use them for storage.

There you have it, 5 things that men find in their bedroom when spring cleaning. I would like to hear of any other surprising things brothers and ladies have bumped into in their rooms.

Anyhow Peace and have a good week ahead, I need to finish cleaning this room. Ya dig!

The Yak.