5 Ways To Know You’re Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks
The game is f*cked up!
Yeah I said it, the game is f*cked up. And I don’t wanna hear that ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’ bull because it’s the players that have been messing up the game for the rest of us.
Let me map out the route to my frustration.
I recently went on a date with a fine young lady; I am talking brown skinned, sexy smile with a tekkers body (think Robin Givens in Boomerang) and yep like Neyo said ‘she got her own’ – hair that is-. Although this was our first date, we had previously met up for coffee after work and I was getting the impression that she was looking to do this on a mature tip. You know, the cliched walks in the park, Hors d’œuvres, back rubs and Keith Sweat, all that type of sh*t.
So what is a brother to do but live up to that expectation by taking it a step further booking tickets to an opera show in central followed by a meal at a restaurant in the Westminster district. I am not even going to lie; this whole facade set a brother back about 2 bills (£200), so the least I could get in return was a bash rendezvous or something.
So, after the meal, we get in the car and we are talking and she is there telling me how she enjoyed the night and how it was all so special and we should do this some other time. That’s when the alarm bells started ringing; obviously this effort barely scratched the surface. Before I could bring out the gentleman A game suggesting a brief stop at my apartment for coffee, her blackberry started pinging, and she tried her best to brush it aside, but whoever it was weren’t ready to settle for a message delivery and kept pinging until she asked to be excused to answer the message.
To cut a long story short, the next thing I know is I am dropping this girl at an estate in Peckham to go see her ‘friend’, of which she never gave me any explanation of their relationship but insisted that it’s a must she sees them that night.
Then it hit me, “this girl thinks Im Heskey” I was nothing more than playing the number 10 role and was playing it well. I was the link up man, the Emile, the brother that nobody rates but family and friends -not even the guy who goes on to bang gives props-.
Notice how Gerrard brushes Heskey aside after he scores.
It had previously occurred to me that Emile Heskey’s recent retirement from international football was nothing but an anti-climax. He will not be remembered for being the most capped black English centre forward in history nor for being a favourite amongst England managers last decade, in fact he will only be remembered for being shite holding the line well and laying off the perfect pass for a next man to go in and get all the glory…that’s the role I played that night.
So having been in this game for a few years, its made me an animal, there are rules to this sh*t and I wrote me a manual: a step by step booklet for you to get your game on track…”5 ways to know you’re playing the Heskey role with chicks”
5. POSITIVE PRESS CONFERENCES: When she tells her friends ”He is so sweet/nice guy/gentleman/lovely..(all the above)”
Its official good guys rarely get to beat. Girls tend to say this as a get out clause for when you put it on them and they aren’t comfortable enough to take it any further, they play the victim role of ‘oh, I thought we were just friends’. Negro please, the Peckham dude was just a friend but he is getting it in, so dont give me that bullsh*t.
When the world begins to make excuses for your short comings, start to worry. It’s the same excuse some pundits give for Heskey, he had not scored in 20 international matches, but he’s a great guy and plays the line well. *emotionless face*
4. NO MAN MARKING: When her other links know your name and never say more than ‘you cool bruv’ to you.
You know you are playing a Heskey role when a next man knows that you spend time with their girl and doesn’t break a sweat about it. It’s obvious that there is no rating over there for you. Plus when all another guy can say to you is ‘you cool bruv’ its a boyment. Any guy that considers you a threat will be letting his feelings heard and you will even get a couple of abusive calls telling you to leave their gyal alone. From when a dude is not even looking to man mark you then they obviously don’t rate your ability to score.
3. IN THE BOX: When she feels comfortable enough to be half-naked around you or even share a bed with you, knowing you wont beat.
This is usually a role previously played by the gay friend, but in 2010 looks like it’s been assigned to the Emile’s of this world. As a good guy, she knows that you are not going to make a move because you’re just not that kind of guy. Plus she knows that your game isn’t tight enough for you to actually convert the chance like the video below even if presented with the chance to do so.
2. ALWAYS THERE FOR A NEXT MAN’S GOAL CELEBRATION: When she asks you to come link her after she has been with a next man.
If a girl phones you after 11PM whilst on a link and she is not in her own home, then it is more than likely that she is looking for a good guy to spend post-beat time with. She needs someone to talk to about trees and birds, Drake’s album or why the world is round etc, because the guy that just went in has not got time for all that nonsense. But she knows you will always be there when it matters. But guess who will be getting the headlines in the papers next morning? not you.
Next morning on the phone to her friend.
The Girl: ‘Oh my days the sex was amazing, he knows what he’s doing’
Her friend: ‘Ohh I am so jealous’ so how comes you got back home so early?’
The Girl: ”Oh *Emile* dropped me home, he is so sweet…”
Sadness!
1. SCRAPPY BEATS: When you manage to beat because she was either drunk or happened to need someone after an argument with her man
I know what you’re thinking, a beat is a beat. But a scrappy beat does not come often and rarely merits a celebration, especially when you have invested both financially and emotionally. You know you didn’t want to beat, you wanted to make love, with candles and honey just like Heskey was hoping for a left footed scissor kick goal on the video above, but ended up having to settle for an any guy tap in. Look at the disappointment in his face, that is how you will feel because you know next week she will be back in South London with other brothers
SADNESS
The Yak
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95 comments on “5 Ways To Know You’re Playing The Heskey Role With Chicks”
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Nah this has to be the best and most current blog i've read in yonkers mate
and believe me i FULLY agree with the 5 steps…its made me look back at years before and missed out opportunities….believe me this actually happens ….
hahahaha nah a very good read, and nice laugh too.
fantastic 5 out 5 blog mate!
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Great blog! stone cold facts of life, 2 many girls think there fabio these days with a squad rotation position for all seasons…maybe we (men/players) partly made them that way with our own games but who cares lol, Next time that hot chick looks 4 shoulder 2 cry on ONLY/cheap entertainment ONLY, let her know – NO Ivanhoe Heskey 4 u luv, ! Im Larry Hoover !
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bruv i dnt fink am gona b naming my son Heskey agin….loool…..d name is dwn grading after dis blog……..am not gona lie i hav been Heskey once or twice but manzzz hav got der game steped up(since find out d hard way,(Nice Guyz Dont Beat)- (NGDB) ………SICK BLOG STILL…………………………………….Laufin fuckin out LOUD
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When it comes to football, that's Hesky's strength and weakness. A managers dream, never complains does as he's told, plays for the team and not himself. Reason why players & managers love him.
Fans / Spectators, media want to see a stereotypical arrogant black man ala Ian Wright, Andy Cole we all loved them, they scored goals, played fore mostly for themselves, but they fell out with players and managers alike. Notice however their lack of England caps. John Barnes suffered from same syndrome as Hesky.
However when you compare Hesky 62 caps 7 gls & Barnes 79 caps 12 gls England record ( a lot never starting or finishing games) to the likes of Sherringham 51 Apps 11 Gls; Waddle 62 caps 6 gls; Hoddle 53 caps 8 gls; Beardsley 53 caps 8 gls & Coppell's 42 caps & 7 goals a different story.
All the latter players revered by media as great England players (exception Hoddle and there the blame they say lies with managers having lack of foresight of how to use him), Barnes & Hesky derided as never being good enough or not playing club form for England.
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you guys have no shame… sometimes you should save yourself the heartache and get a not so attractive girl. ever heard of stepping to someone way above your station? if shes hot like woah and got her own hair, and you are so so and aint got no game, why would even bother? stick to what you know or bash the bishop I say!!
As for the Emile Heskey as an example…. my man is engaged, and has 5 kids, 3 with the “not so hot” ex and 2 with the “hottie he ditched not so hot ex” for, which obviously means he’s gots the skills to keep a hottie, and he’s richer than you (£200 dont mean squat diddly when you got a net profit of £12 million in the bank!) hardly like the real deal are you? I think your more of an on the sub bench fellow.say the ball is the girl, hardly get to play with the ball but gots to be there for every match throughout the season and during practice you sprint up and down for no reason but to up the skills of the important team players…good attempt though, but your still failing….man when will you ever get any play?
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I don’t understand why so many people find this clever/funny, this is what me and my friends call “New School” at it’s finest.
New School = the opposite of Old School.
So you met a girl for the 2nd time and spent £200 taking her to a restaurant and the Opera, then you rounded off your night of humiliation by dropping her to a next mans house?
Is this correct?
Oh dear, what a wasteman.
Why go through all that trouble if you just wanted to give away money?
I suspect this is fiction and you just wrote this to draw people to your blog but I am not naive enough to know “new school” bruddas like you don’t exist, because you do and you make it easier for the rest of us to clean up afterwards.
Man like you can never learn anyway, so this blog is a waste of time, it’s in your DNA, you just crumble to the demands of the female and are there at their beckon call.
Shay you are a wasteman aswell for saying
“ever heard of stepping to someone way above your station?”.
This is the kinda talk that gives females this holier than thou state of mind when really they ain’t shit but a pretty face.
Is the girl educated to degree level?
Is she a virtuous lady with low bed post count?
(Formula: Age / 5.2 = x, round x DOWN, this will give a number which is acceptable for her age)
Does she speak with an extensive vocabulary and not just in ghetto colloquialisms?
Is she a young lady with career prospects?
This is how you judge what station a female is on, not just on her face Shay.
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@ Kerry you are obviously used to Men taking you to MCD and not spending £200 on you hence why u are hating, if you read the article properly he was expecting to get something for his money how things turned out differently hence why he realised he is playing the heskey role.
PS is your formula part of your new “New School” because that is just random. Based on your formula its okay for a 12 year old to have had 2 partners? If that’s the case I would rather go back to the Old Skool where a woman of virtue was one who had 0 numbers and saved herself for the right man.
Loads of woman are dancing as stripper who are degree educated and have other career prospects and have extensive vocab that would blow your mind. What station would you judge them on?
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@Mystery, I am not used to men taking me anywhere because I am not homosexual, I am male.
Anyway, a man expecting to get something for money is a fool, you don't have to spend money to get something from a girl and you sure as hell need to figure out what type of girl it is before you choose whether to spend a dime in the 1st place.
A good long phone call should suffice to learn enough about the female.
From he told the girl what his plans were for their 1st date, she already knew he was a Heskey, before he even did.
Women don't like things too easy and they abuse a man with such nature, not because they are foul, but because that's how they are built, give them an inch they will take a mile.
Also the formula wasn't random, it was an example of criteria which can help you judge whether a girl is a keeper or not.
Lets use common sense for a minute lol, 12 is under the legal age of consent, the formula is more a guideline as to how many guys is acceptable the older a female gets because many in this day and age are out of control.
So at 20 the most sexual partners a girl should have had is 3, at 26 the most shouldn't far exceed 5, would it be better if the girl were a virgin? of course, in an ideal world, but I am not naive enough to think this is the prevailing case among young women in todays society, nor should you be.
You have the idea of Old School spot on, New School is just the opposite which I fear many men of today are.
For example, I personally couldn't take a girl who was the local bike back home to my mother to kiss her on the cheek, that is just not acceptable.
From speaking to many men of today however, some don't mind if the girl has had over 20 sexual partners (seriously), which is what me and my friends (all pretty similar views) class as "New School".
New School is alot of things, but in particular this lackadaisical view of what "wifey" is today.
I am glad you would rather go back to the Old School Mystery, you have standards, just don't be too unrealistic in todays world, you might be pricing yourself out of a decent girl.
To your point about strippers who fill said criteria.
I wouldn't exactly call a stripper virtuous, maybe others would say I am wrong but that is just me.
If a girl is showing her bits and pieces for other men for money lol that instantly rules her out of the running for wifey in my book.
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Hahahah
I couldn’t stop but laugh at this blog….
One guy has actually helped a give a chick direction to my place, even went as far as driving in front of her car.. to make sure she gets to my place… Only for me to just nod and say u cool…she blowing me off later… I kinda fell sorry for the dude cause it was late night too… but then i thought he was sucker for even allowing that shit to happen.
I’ve been on the receiving end when the chick just tried to give me a peck on the chick after I paid for the dinner…
Since then never again..
Real talk
We men need to step the game up… stop believing in that “Chivarly bullshit”.. Unless she is ready to give something up, just go dutch.. let her or ask her to pay for half of her share… if she thinks you are cheap, just tell her “You don’t see her as an escort nor a prostitue” hence you don’t need to pay for her company, only prostititue or escorts expect that.
If she fails to comprehend this.. homie she aint the one for you.. otherwise you will find yourself playing the heskey role for times to come..
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lol…..nice piece. very true words. but a man can be Heskey with a girl today and tomorrow be Maradona or Rolando with another girl next day, we cant always win. The key is to recognize when u are playing badly like Heskey and make sure to play like Rolando in the next match or game.
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@Brucealmighty, Real talk bro.
I actually know a guy this happened to recently, but the girl had the cheek to suggest and ask him to buy tickets to the theatre and he did, big money.
She said she would take him out when she gets paid, he reminded her aswell with a nudge from us, all 6 months later he ain't heard from her, he didn't get anything from her either.
Me, I ain't taking no chick to a restaurant or theatre unless I know her credentials and she's potential wifey, not just a wolf in sheeps clothing.
I told 1 internet link 1 time "If I come down you are buying me something to eat and putting petrol in my tank cos that is out of my way". Needless to say she did it, if you set the rules they will be adhered to.
This is indeed a game and chicks are playing it better than alot of man out here.
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@Kerry,
Of course they are, it’s been like that for years… some guys are just waking up to it, while some still feel the need to play the gentleman role, not realising the gentleman role is burning holes in their pocket and for every chick that lets them down, they will start to feel some sort of resemptment.To prove the point further, ask any girl.. honestly how she would feel if a guy use a voucher to pay for dinner on their first date, most of them will say “he his cheap”.
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LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL…..!!!
This is the funnnnniest blog post ever…. But the one thing you all need to understand is being a heskey is not a good look… But its not as simple as Niceguy vs Badguy…
Its more of a Strong guy vs Weak guy… Women don’t want to be surrounded by a guy that will do what she wants when she wants….
She wants a man who commands respect… A dominant guy who will take the lead of the relationship… Whether it be a link or your wifey…
You can be a nice guy and still be strong… You don’t need to act like a badboy… Just show them your not a fool….And fam if your droppin her to a next link, that’s a joke… You shoulda told her we got plans and you should stick to them… Ill drop you home and u can make your own way…
If she didn’t wanna talk to you afterwards leave her… U don’t need someone who don’t respect u lmaoooo
Crazy kids….
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@modernday Hitch, <———— LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! You're definitely a man. Whole in one star..
Be nice but strong. Command respect. Tell her you got plans and stick to them.. If she wants to leave let her. You weren't getting it anyway… No need to be a badboy about it, lol, that's just EXtra, n it shows what you'll prob be like to her later in the relationship.
Dropping her to a next link is the biggest joke of all tiiiiime. That's just silly. You mug. Why would you drop her to some mans house who's just gonna do to her what you wanna do to her at some point??! Whether you wanted her yesterday, today, tomorrow or after the wedding, why would you do that!! It just doesn't make annnnnnnnny sense! Plus it lets her know that you weren't really on it after all, cos any man that’s happy to make himself seconds just isn't serious.
Sorry but nah… Drop her hooooome and let her make her own way! If it's that deep to get to the man’s place that night she'll call a cab, call a gf who drives, hail a hitchhike, she'll even walk in heels dammit or call da bredda himself to come meet her! You don't gotta do that ok, do the right thing, do what you'd do if she was your sister, TAKE HER HOME! She'll DEFINIITELY respect you more. She won't like it, but she'll respect you when she cools off. It's just how it is. If she cusses you out, it’s no skin off your nose cos you weren't gettin it anyway..lol. Stop this massaging-your-ego-by-hanging-out-with-a-boom-ting-you-can’t-get nonsense! Even if you have to sup your ego so how, at the end of the night you planned, TAKE HER HOME! (Btw she might lie that some next dudes house is her home, but at least you ‘took her home’. Lol)
Imagine the pissedness she'll be feeling when you do that, then take the level of passion she's showing in her pissedness as how passionately she'll eventually respect you with. It'll be worth it. Stop messing with your self esteem like that, cos you’ll only take it out on the next good woman that comes your way.
Anyhoo, next time, you won't be Heskey, you'll be Ronaldo for suuuuure, cos when she tells her gf's you took her home n not to Terry’s, even if she ain't on it, one of them will be; one that’s looking for a good man that will take her home at the end of the night…
Peace!
(If you're gonna be a Heskey, be one by choice!)
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@grimmy,
Its partly true…
Some times youve got to be a stevie G and sometime you got to play the Heskey role…
Theirs manier ways of scoring…. fact!
Nothing wrong with switching it upp…..
Theirs nothing wrong with playing the gay freind… when a girl knows your not gay hahah, an shes just laying their waiting for the pounce thats never going to arrive… so funny! As she purposely toses and turns, grunts and moans about not being able to sleep just to get attention haha! Now that is a master! Theyve done that to us for years… karmas a bitch what comes around goes around!!!
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While i do get what your saying, i feel its a real shame that you have this view, there are a large
number of women out there who would appreciate a lil romance and the trips out, dinner etc..
thats usually part of the journey to intense pleasure and fullfillment that you would not get
having only spent a short while with a guy
I honestly believe sleeping with someone and not being intinate is the sexiest thing in the
world, that way the posibility of an explosion would definately be in the cards
I think you should allow your spirit to decide whether the chick is for you or not, that should take
all of 10 mins and spare you the £ bills.
but then i guess the world wouldn;t be the same without the heskeys, they're usually the guys
that may lack in certain areas and feel the need to make up for it in other ways : ) if that be the
case 'sharing a bed' should be a blessing in disguise.
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Heskey is for diluded or shy guys. Lemme tell u somethin. there is NEVER a good time to play Heskey role, the role is trying ur hardest so another man can shine. NEVER DAT. Playing the ‘friend’ or biding your time is completely different from playing the Heskey role. Heskey is for guys with no self confidence, hangin around a chick and doing anything she wants in the hope that one day, man might get thru. Dead that approach, all ur gonna get is blue balls. I flopped with chicks a lot in my younger days because somethin always told me ‘girls don’t just bang’ so I did the friend ting, and yeah I had some Heskey traits lol and got what I deserved, nothin. If u wanna bang a chick, let her know (in a respectful manner) what u want to happen. A lotta times I got air, and a good few times the chick has been ‘ok’ no need for restaurants, two hour fone calls to just bang, come on son, if u wanna wife somethin, then yeah, go in.
The sooner u ask questions, the sooner u get answers, chicks are clever, and if ur spendin money and talkin to em about eastenders without movin to them, they will entertain u, cos EVERY chick loves attention, but they wont giv u anything. Girls like decisive straight up guys, not idiots umming and arrring on the phone talkin about America’s next top model.
But this post funny as shit though, I don’t care what anyone says, love the metaphors
Hahaha EPIC! One of the most clever connotations I've ever heard!