The game is f*cked up!

Yeah I said it, the game is f*cked up. And I don’t wanna hear that  ‘don’t hate the player, hate the game’ bull because it’s the players that have been messing up the game for the rest of us.

Let me map out the route to my frustration.

I recently went on a date with a fine young lady; I am talking brown skinned, sexy smile with a tekkers body (think Robin Givens in Boomerang) and yep like Neyo said ‘she got her own’ – hair that is-. Although this was our first date, we had previously met up for coffee after work and I was getting the impression that she was looking to do this on a mature tip. You know, the cliched walks in the park, Hors d’œuvres, back rubs and Keith Sweat, all that type of sh*t.

So what is a brother to do but live up to that expectation by taking it a step further booking tickets to an opera show in central followed by a meal at a restaurant in the Westminster district. I am not even going to lie; this whole facade set a brother back about 2 bills (£200), so the least I could get in return was a bash rendezvous or something.

So, after the meal, we get in the car and we are talking and she is there telling me how she enjoyed the night and how it was all so special and we should do this some other time. That’s when the alarm bells started ringing; obviously this effort barely scratched the surface. Before I could bring out the gentleman A game suggesting a brief stop at my apartment for coffee, her blackberry started pinging, and she tried her best to brush it aside, but whoever it was weren’t ready to settle for a message delivery and kept pinging until she asked to be excused to answer the message.

To cut a long story short, the next thing I know is I am dropping this girl at an estate in Peckham to go see her ‘friend’, of which she never gave me any explanation of their relationship but insisted that it’s a must she sees them that night.

Then it hit me, “this girl thinks Im Heskey” I was nothing more than playing the number 10 role and was playing it well. I was the link up man, the Emile, the brother that nobody rates but family and friends -not even the guy who goes on to bang gives props-.

Notice how Gerrard brushes Heskey aside after he scores.

It had previously occurred to me that Emile Heskey’s recent retirement from international football was nothing but an anti-climax. He will not be remembered for being the most capped black English centre forward in history nor for being a favourite amongst England managers last decade, in fact he will only be remembered for being shite holding the line well and laying off the perfect pass for a next man to go in and get all the glory…that’s the role I played that night.

So having been in this game for a few years, its made me an animal, there are rules to this sh*t and I wrote me a manual: a step by step booklet for you to get your game on track…”5 ways to know you’re playing the Heskey role with chicks”

5. POSITIVE PRESS CONFERENCES: When she tells her friends ”He is so sweet/nice guy/gentleman/lovely..(all the above)”

Its official good guys rarely get to beat. Girls tend to say this as a get out clause for when you put it on them and they aren’t comfortable enough to take it any further, they play the victim role of  ‘oh, I thought we were just friends’. Negro please, the Peckham dude was just a friend but he is getting it in, so dont give me that bullsh*t.

When the world begins to make excuses for your short comings, start to worry. It’s the same excuse some pundits give for Heskey, he had not scored in 20 international matches, but he’s a great guy and plays the line well. *emotionless face*

4. NO MAN MARKING: When her other links know your name and never say more than ‘you cool bruv’ to you.

You know you are playing a Heskey role when a next man knows that you spend time with their girl and doesn’t break a sweat about it. It’s obvious that there is no rating over there for you. Plus when all another guy can say to you is ‘you cool bruv’ its a boyment. Any guy that considers you a threat will be letting his feelings heard and you will even get a couple of abusive calls telling you to leave their gyal alone. From when a dude is not even looking to man mark you then they obviously don’t rate your ability to score.

3. IN THE BOX: When she feels comfortable enough to be half-naked around you or even share a bed with you, knowing you wont beat.

This is usually a role previously played by the gay friend, but in 2010 looks like it’s been assigned to the Emile’s of this world. As a good guy, she knows that you are not going to make a move because you’re just not that kind of guy. Plus she knows that your game isn’t tight enough for you to actually convert the chance like the video below even if presented with the chance to do so.

2. ALWAYS THERE FOR A NEXT MAN’S GOAL CELEBRATION: When she asks you to come link her after she has been with a next man.

If a girl phones you after 11PM whilst on a link and she is not in her own home, then it is more than likely that she is looking for a good guy to spend post-beat time with. She needs someone to talk to about trees and birds, Drake’s album or why the world is round etc, because the guy that just went in has not got time for all that nonsense. But she knows you will always be there when it matters. But guess who will be getting the headlines in the papers next morning? not you.

Next morning on the phone to her friend.

The Girl: ‘Oh my days the sex was amazing, he knows what he’s doing’

Her friend: ‘Ohh I am so jealous’ so how comes you got back home so early?’

The Girl: ”Oh *Emile* dropped me home, he is so sweet…”

Sadness!

1. SCRAPPY BEATS: When you manage to beat because she was either drunk or happened to need someone after an argument with her man

I know what you’re thinking, a beat is a beat. But a scrappy beat does not come often and rarely merits a celebration, especially when you have invested both financially and emotionally. You know you didn’t want to beat, you wanted to make love, with candles and honey just like Heskey was hoping for a left footed scissor kick goal on the video above, but ended up having to settle for an any guy tap in. Look at the disappointment in his face, that is how you will feel because you know next week she will be back in South London with other brothers

SADNESS

The Yak

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