It’s coming to that time of year again (well for my UK peeps anyway). The sun is shining and the weather is sweet. Everybody is either showing off their summer body, in the gym trying to develop one or is playing the role of that random out of season person; you know the odd one out with the hoody and jeans on like its December. The sun makes everybody happy unless of course you are a vampire, plain miserable or an extreme hay fever sufferer. Although I’m the latter I’m still wearing a smile through the sunshine, just with  big pair of sunglasses on and a pack of tissue and Claritin just in case.

She aint a baby no more

This time last year I wrote a post called ‘I Know What You Will Do This Summer’. To be honest being the know-it-all I am I probably know what you are going to do this summer but imma keep quiet. Today’s post comes to you in the form of a bulletin/urgent news flash. I should have written the title in red as it is so important but it would just look silly, so I didn’t. Let me avoid from digressing here I’ll get straight to the point.

So guys picture this, the sun is shining and you are out with the mandem. Let’s say you are in a park when a girl walks past all strutting and sh*t looking straight ahead like she can’t see you (she can see you) whilst you wolf whistle obscenities shout out pleasantries, complimenting her on her beauty and the radiance of her personality shining through her jeans (for those of you that say men are shallow). One of the guys decides to approach and apologises for his friend’s animal like behaviour whilst trying to chirpse (I’m trying to keep it as realistic as possible here). She is smiling and you seem to be getting somewhere and you are just about to ask her for her number and then you forget to ask her that critical question.

Man: How old are you?
Girl: 17
Man: sheeeeeeeet
Girl: Why how old are you?
Man: Errrrm let’s just say *looks at phone to respond to imaginary text message*

Now some will say such a childish approach by the guy probably worked because she was young. Although in a perfect world this would be true, it’s absolute rubbish in this one. What you have here is a classic case of a man casting out his net and pulling in jail bait, you know the type that comes with double digit custodial sentences. This summer is when the youngsters excel at deception, which I will explain later, however, guys and girls don’t fear I have a list of 5 ways you can spot a minor.

1) Language is key

Pay attention to the way they speak to you. If sentences are made up of 90% slang they are either underage or an idiot. When the slang is stuff you have never heard before you should have alarm bells ringing in your head. Even though adults may speak like children at times this is a very good way to filter out the youngsters.

How old is he?? Taking bets

2) Look at hands and ears instead of ass, height and muscle

I don’t know if you are aware, but there is a conspiracy amongst food companies to feed massive amount of hormones to youngsters, in a bid to make them massive for what reason – I don’t know. For all I know, it’s an evil conspiracy probably funded by the Illuminati or some other triangle wearing club. Nobody looks their age anymore, so get out of the habit of judging books by their covers.

Don’t get caught in the trap of “daamn she’s grown, how was I supposed to know she was 15 with a booty like that?” or but “he’s 6ft and built like a boxer”. Listen you got 28 year olds with Jaden Smith bodies and 15 year olds looking like Will its 2012 and the world’s changed, don’t get sucked in.

3) Randomly start some conversation about the 90’s

A person can never be too safe and sometimes these youngsters will withhold their age from you intentionally. Never fear. Ask them about things only people your age will know and see what happens. When you do it however, you’ve got to just come out with it, like bang!!! Don’t be predictable or give them too much time … and do it face to face because Google is a bitch.

Woman: its such a lovely day today
Man: Yeah its beautiful
Woman: Reminds me of one episode of The Real Mckoy when there was that summer skit, remember? You know back in the days when everyone had either braids or S Curl? What did you have? Did you used to watch Raggy Dolls?

This technique might make you look slightly crazy but only reserve it for if you have doubts, there is no harm in it and you might catch a kid out.

4) Be aware If they are a massive fan of suspicious artists

Ask what they listen to. If they start coming with stuff like Justin Beiber, Tinchy Stryder, One Direction or Miley Cyrus they cannot be a day over 16 (unless they are The Yak).

5) Prevention is better than cure

Talk to people properly before you swap numbers. Too many times I see women give away their numbers too easily or guys too hungry to chat to EVERY single hot girl they see. 1 in 10 is jail bait yo!

Enjoy your sunshine guys play safe and try to utilise my advice. It could save your life. If not remember this video as a warning for how bleak things could get. Don’t drop the soap. Peace Out

Don Kwelu