Are Men Intimidated by Strong Women?
I had another post planned for today which I intended to put up to take us away from our regular relationship rant and advice however the week is long and I wanted to cover this topic while it was still fresh in my mind. As most of you know over the weekend our friends at Ivy Munro put on an event which we already told you about (“The Big Conversation” with Mr Paul Carrick Brunson at the Clapham Grand) and our man on the ground @MrGrillet attended the conference and hit us up with the feedback yesterday morning. Amongst the recurring themes mentioned from the day was one which I would like to focus on “Men don’t like strong women” this myth seems to be spreading wings (amongst women anyways) so at the BWNG we chose to comment, so if your interested here’s the Don’s take……
It’s a myth ladies, come on..seriously????
I know it seems rather easy to just dismiss it as things are never black and white; so maybe ‘its rare’ is more fitting but I genuinely feel it is nonsense in most cases and here is why. Firstly what is a strong woman? Surely most people’s perceptions of this are quite subjective and I’m sure if you ask everyone you will get a different answer although the Oxford dictionary will keep it 100, let me just give you an example.
Random female friend (RFF) “Don I know this lady you so need to hook up with you will love her she’s gorgeous, a nice person and a real strong woman.
Don “Strong, do you mean like Serena Williams strong with the mad biceps and that Ish?”
RFF. “No silly, I mean she’s independent, focused, intelligent, pays her telephone bills, pays her automobills you know…”
Don “Ok I hear you! when you said strong I had to ask and make sure she didn’t pump weights or anything”
You see many people can take this statement to mean various things according to your mindset so life is always easier when you stick to dictionary definitions. I asked people on twitter to give me some words and I got confident, ambitious, educated, independent and hard working balanced out by words such as forgiving, resilient and brave. Our perceptions of strength vary although not that much. What’s noticeable however when I meet people who use this as a reason for scaring off the guys, is that there seems to be a consensus that strength equates to the first set of words mentioned….usually linked with achievements and status. This isn’t everybody, just a large number including those that tell me their storie and trust me I get earfuls. The perception of strength comes from her ability to take care of herself as well as personal and career achievements and the woman finds herself in a position where the man she is dating or interested in is not where he wants to be so he bounces or goes cold on her.
Some people deem the fact she has a good job, a degree, her own house/flat (maybe) and brings in a good salary as a reason men may be scared of her “strength” (I’m sure there is a better word). My thing is, is this really strength? This tells me little about her personal characteristics outside of the working world apart from she is probably dedicated and works hard; and next to nothing about her social skills. Does this make her any stronger than say a woman who has 5 little brothers she has virtually raised, works a part time job which barely pays and has virtually nothing to call her own as what is hers is her family’s? None of the brothers have ever told me “Fam I had to dump her man, she was just so strong caring, forgiving and sh*t” I haven’t heard this once, not ever. I can tell you what I have heard though (don’t shoot) “Fam I can’t work with this chick man, she’s so up herself, condescending, superficial always boasting bla bla bla”.
I hear a lot of men complain about how women relay their “strength” to them and constantly remind them about how independent or successful they are or want to be and how they seem to cut little slack for their partner making them feel uncomfortable about their own situation and pressured to achieve their goals overnight. I don’t think it’s about whether that is what the woman is actually trying to do but more about how it makes their partner feel. Believe it or not I know a lot of men who have women who earn more than them or are more educated and have achieved more and at this moment in time, their relationships are just fine.
I know a few successful women and some have these problems I mention and I must admit they are kind of similar. Their achievements and dreams are the first thing to roll off their tongue, how prestigious her company is, her goals and dreams, what private school her kids will go to, how Lidl goods will never be visible in her cupboard and this is often without even being asked. If you want a certain type of man; then reiterating this to men you meet and amongst your circle (always potential there too) is fine BUT it may be better to think it and find it, than to speak it and make him run away as he feels you are too forceful with it, and your desire for these characteristics supersede his more human ones.
Are men scared of women with the first sets of qualities listed earlier? not at all. Do we want to hear you promoting them day after day like you have Destiny Child’s ‘The writings on the wall’ on repeat in your house? hell no. I know some may think that you are not talking about strength you are talking about success and I think the same things apply even if we are. If this mass generalisation is correct and they are scared that means they will probably go for a female equivalent of what women love to call “wastemen”. I assure you however men are very aware of competition and him not being where he wants to be will still bug him and he will have nightmares of Mandingo the businessman stealing his woman if he perceives she is desirable to anybody bar himself.
I think it would be more fitting to see it not as a problem caused by your standing but more linked to whether HE is where HE wants to be or if you flaunt it in his face. The fact that somebody can even make this statement is more scary to me than the topic itself as when that line rolls of your lips “I think he was intimidated by my [insert ignorance here]” 9 out of 10 times you just seem pretentious and its going to sound wrong, remember self recommendation is no recommendation at all.
Peace out!
Don Kwelu (@DonKwelu)
Ladies and Gents do you agree? Is the strong woman a myth in this sense? How do we measure strength? Do women still believe it’s this strength that is keeping them single? Do Men seem intimidated? speak on it!
23 comments on “Are Men Intimidated by Strong Women?”
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@Safeera, I’m not sure I agree with you. My personal experience has been wishing women would be more logical and calm in their approach to things, (I am generalising here. This does not apply to all the women I have met). Infact I had to teach one of my ex’s how to handle things without shooting and asking questions later. This is one of the main things I now look for in future relationships.
More over, one of the main things you hear guys go on about when venting about “the misses” is that “she hypes over a minor”. I think most men (well the ones I know) really want a woman who is “logical and unfazed” by things. (Im not saying she has got to be the next terminator with no feelings).
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To keep it real, most black women are more educated and earn more money than black men. Whether thats down to society or not, I don’t know. What I do know, is that when you get two people in a relationship, where a woman earns more than her man and is more successful this causes resentment from both people. She is upset because she doesn’t seem him as her equal and he gets upset because society makes it look like he is inferior.
As for black womens attitudes a lot of that is media stereotypes. But for black women that claim to be strong but have an attitude. That is more down to their own personal anger and frustration in their own lives.
Good post though, I do think black women are strong but in a good sense. Not this bullshit promoted by a small section of females with stank attitudes claiming that their strong but don’t even know the true meaning of the word.
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@Freshprince, I can’t disagree with anything you said there hit me up your blog address lol. Resentment or unhappiness with a situation carries more logic than being afraid of a woman and women expressing this as cover ups for bad attitudes attempt to group themselves with women they are very different from and generalise all men. Keep reading!
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This post is absolutely spot on, why would a guy be put off by a woman who can provided her own, the problem is not the fact that she has ‘strength’ but the fact that shel never let’s him forget it.
I have heard plenty of my male friends say a women’s independence is a turn on however when she is not humble about it they make them want to run a mile.
I wish all the ‘independent, I dont need a man, I pay my own bills buy my own clothes’ type women would take this in and relax.
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This is deeper than rap. I think you have hit the nail on the head here Don. To be honest I tend to only hear the terms “strong” and “woman” together with the word “black” between them. If you said the word “Strong White woman” or “Strong Asian woman” etc, people would think that you are talking about a body builder. So why is it that we have a different definition to this word than other people? How can we define Independence as “strength” in a relationship? Who in this day and age wants to be independent and yet expect to be in a loving relationship? That’s an oxymoron. I don’t know about you, I want a inter-dependent relationship and that has nothing to do with a woman’s status, but more to do with her interpersonal skills.
The Yak
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@The Yak, Fully agree with you!
Why the word black needs to be in between there, I do not know. It’s almost as if these women feel they have something to prove, as if keyword: black makes their strength more important than that of women from other races.
In my opinion, being strong does not mean not crumbling in front of a guy – showing emotion is not a weakness. My definition of strong refers to the will and mind of a person; My Mother is a strong woman because when faced with hardship, she got down on all fours to make ends meet, raise four kids, and never once complained.
If anything, a Strong woman is inter-dependent. Independence and Dependence are two things that do not make a successful relationship – they’re both extremities (and we all know extremism is not cool).
We need more women claiming interdependence because that’s what makes a relationship last; being able to mutually rely on each other emotionally, economically and morally – that makes you strong.p.s Great Post BNWG! Keep ‘em coming!
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Interesing enough I wrote a blog address the issues of SOME men having issues with a “Miss Independent” woman. I wouldn’t use the word strong, but okay. Strong meaning firm in her beliefs and principlas sure.
I don’t think women go around saying “hey look at me I’m better than you.” But some men do have a problem with us being or making better than them. I said look at it like this….if you fall and she can hold you down finicially and emotionally…be grateful. Their are some female who can’t help a brotha out.
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@Don Kwelu, here you go “Miss Independent” http://sunnydelyte21.wordpress.com/2011/09/20/miss-independent/
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I think there is a large difference between being Strong and being abrasive, its like the difference between confident and cocky. In both cases (Strong and Confident), they are attributes that you are supposed to have and are very attractive. However when being strong means that you are abrasive and always in a man’s face about having a job, paying your own bills and so on (basically doing ish you are supposed to do), then it becomes abrasive. Strong is supposed to be an attractive quality, if you are strong and you arent attracting great men then you are doing something wrong boo boo.
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I define a “strong” woman as someone with a “zero-tolerance/no-nonsense” attitude and outlook. Many people, especially when it comes to personal relationships, are passive, and passive-aggressive. Even if they were not that way initially, they become so, too afraid to “make a big deal out of something” that they actually feel very strongly about. The reason “strong” women are typically successful is because they exert this assertiveness in other aspects of their lives – education, career, etc. When an offense occurs within a relationship, the “strong” woman holds the offender accountable, and expects them to have some sort of explanation of their words or actions. Many men [and women] are usually intimidated by this, because its much easier to “brush it under the rug” than to actually stop and reflect on their actions. Particularity if a major offense was made. People hate to deal with the things they do or say, especially when they realize their actions hurt a loved one (at least in my opinion). So, while I know plenty of women with assets, education, and a budding career, I totally agree with a previous comment that those things define a woman as successful, not “strong.” Someone who boasts about it is arrogant, and again, not necessarily “strong.” In fact, they can simply be boasting about their success to mask an insecurity.
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I am sorry but I have to disagree, unfortunately the experience that my friends and I have had in the dating field would seem to suggest that a lot of men are intimidated by successful women.
In a relationship were the woman is the one that’s successful a lot of times she has to make compromises to ensure the man does not feel emasculated. The number of times I have had men flip on me for something innocent, and are quick to say ‘oh just cause u earn more than me/you’re doing x cause you’re a barrister and you want to show me up!’ Its sad but a lot of my friends have the same problem.
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“In a relationship were the woman is the one that’s successful a lot of times she has to make compromises to ensure the man does not feel emasculated”
Chuuch!!!!
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@Melyssa, I definitely hear you that women may encounter these problems in relationships no doubt I just question to the extent we make such sweeping statements. I know guys who are with more successful or more dominant women and I have been in this situation a few times and our problems are rarely centred around those issues. If you find yourself meeting a man you get that vibe from too often then change your circle there are ALOT of men out there. My concern is when we have so many things women tell themselves men are intimidated by some attempt to make things sound like any of their relationship breakdowns are of absolutely no fault of their own, which is quite naive if you present it as your biggest hurdle. Your perspectives are always appreciated ladies, thanks and stay reading and giving your point of view.
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A “strong “woman to me would usually imply a woman who refuses to tolerate nonsense, rather than, education, status , career alone etc. Im starting to think actually is this whole men being “intimidated”
by “strong ” women used as an excuse sometimes. As i have aged and matured (cough cough), lol, i am less convinced with this idea.Rather than it being about intimidation it could possibly be more of insecurity, maybe a “strong” woman
can make some men feel insecure with their “own” perception of what a “man” is or the
stereotypical male role a man is expected to play or position himself in a relationship.
“Strong” women are often portrayed negatively (Not that this article has by the way), yet there isnt anything negative about having a successful career, education, house, salary etc etc nor is there anything negative about not tolerating nonsense. So then what is this uncomfortable feeling whetehr its intimidation etc or not around “strong women”, is it then behaviour or is it really the skills and achievements stated above? If it is the latter, then shouldn’t men also be labelled as “strong men”
if they too have such status etc. No, we dont , but then thats a whole other article. lol.Also are successful women and strong women the same, people rate success differently too? What about a strong “humble”woman are the effects different even if the woman is still “strong”.
Annnywho i shall stop here as i was planning to simply write a sentence, but then thoughts
just kept creeping up as i continued. So again, great stuff , debatable interesting topic here enjoyed
the reading!!!. Great so im off and thanks again BWNG, keepin it moviiiinnnn as always
guys! whoop! Ps, apologies for any mistakes etc as i cannot be asked to read it back so hopefully its understood. hehe!Peace! (Last long comment , promise-well thats the aim anyway). Lol.
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Honestly, I do think BOYS not MEN are intimidated by women who may out earn them, have her own home, car, etc. especially if he isn’t up to par or bringing his A-game to the table as well.
The reason I used the term boys and not men because in my opinion a MAN (a mature man) wouldn’t let it bother him but instead let it be an inspiration/motivating factor for him to step up his game in whichever area he is lacking so he can meet that women 50/50, but often times this isn’t the case, what usually happens is BOY feels inadequate so he projects his insecurities onto her THUS making her feel guilty for having the things she does, so she in turns downplay her accomplishments or fallback on certain things that she enjoys just to protect his feelings #TrueStory Been there — Done That and I ain’t never doing that shit again.
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@Melyssa, I hear your points melyssa and I like the word boys used there as this guy should not be thrown in a man’s argument. This kind of guy doesn’t even seem like he wants his woman to do well and has issues with your achievements but even more so with himself. Don let this affect your judgement though on those men still aspiring to somewhere but are not quite there yet. A man who genuinely cares for you will always went to see you do well and never hold that against you, the rest well you don’t want them anyway.
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I don’t see what going to college, and having a job have to do with being a strong woman? or person in general?
I saw tons of beautiful white women, asian women, hispanic women, etc. in college – and at my work place. Only the Black women I meet think they are actually doing something amazing by what? going to college, everyone in my family went to college – so what? LOL I wasn’t doing anything amazing by doing going to college and getting a job like everyone else in this country.
When you say ‘strong’ at first the Serena Williams image pops up in my head too but instead of it being about having a good education, good job and so on, I kind of see it as a way to describe a female who doesn’t let her emotions influence her. Part of the reason I think there’s that link with men and strength is not just in a physical sense, but the fact that they’re not going to let their emotions take over beyond control. They try to remain logical and unfazed without breaking down and pulling out the tissue.
So when you come across a female that have those qualities – that know how to keep their emotions in check it can be quite unnerving to men who naturally see women as the more emotional ones. I think if you’re educated, hardworking, intelligent and ambitious, that’s not strength, that’s success. For me, when women go against the grain of what men think they should be, is when they then become intimidating, especially if they notice uncanny qualities between them and that female.