Happy Saturday everyone! hope you’re all well. As if four brothers wasn’t enough the BWNG will be bringing you one guest post a month (two if you’re lucky) on a Saturday from some of our blogger friends.  Today we have a guest post courtesy of Mike (@ulteriormotives) who has ended his love affair with his blog I Dont Like Tea but keeps the real talk constant.

First off, shout out to BWNG for offering me the opportunity to write for the site, much appreciated.

Well, now that I’ve got that out the way, if you’ve never read my writing before, then uhm, yea, say a prayer or something, it’s about to go down, no Monica Lewinski.

Anyway, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with a topic to write about and then like Chris did RhiRhi, it hit me….boyfriends? How many guys out there are looking for wifey and are ready for the repercussions benefits of being a boyfriend? Well my dear friends, today I shall shed some light on what to expect when you’re a boyfriend…

*The Rock voice* “It doesn’t matter what you want!”
WHEN YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND, you should realise that human rights and equality do not apply to you. Oh wait, you thought they did? Oh, that’s sweet. Your “rights” are written on a piece of paper and stuck on the fridge for you to see, Every. Single. Day. Hey don’t get mad at me, you’re the one that said “yea man’s looking to settle down now you know” well here you are playa, “settled down” pushing a trolley in Tesco, which ironically, bares no contents that you were allowed to pick because you can’t be trusted with a simple shopping list “why did you get Tesco’s finest? Are you balling? Take that back and buy what I put on the list, actually forget it, take me to the shops, I’ll do it myself”

I love her and all...but i'd kill her

“But, but they were my friends before we met”…..so?
WHEN YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND, your friends become like your illegitimate children, you know, the ones you only see on their birthdays, bank holidays and Christmas?

Wait, wait, wait, yes, you’re in the honeymoon period now where you can still say to your lady, “baby I’m going out with the BWNG tonight”, try that sh*t 6 months down the line and see if you don’t get told “but I wanted us to spend quality time together” BITCH, I LIVE WITH YOU, HOW MUCH MORE QUALITY TIME DO YOU NEED…? (oops, sorry about that, was having flashbacks to ‘08, a brutha has to medicate to sleep these days.)

Moving on (awkwardly) all I’m saying is don’t expect to be the social butterfly you once were, your social life is now written on a piece of paper……and stuck on the fridge.

Your Girl: I love you and all...but I'll kill her

Don’t even think about it.
WHEN YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND there is a certain person (a woman) whose name you are not allowed to speak of, think of, remember and/or be friends with anyone baring said name, more commonly known as “that bitch.” Why? If you even have to ask such a diabolical question you are sadly misguided in life. There is at least ONE woman that your girl hates with an undying passion, whom you are not allowed to be in the vicinity of, or associated with anyone who knows this “whore.” If you are still a little unsure about what I speak of, refer back to your notes on the fridge.

Ok, now I’m starting to hear noise in the back (from women) saying “this is all bollocks, we’re not like that” which is true, not all women are like that they are some women are fantastic girlfriends who come with so many benefits it’s almost impossible to list them all, so here are my top 3.

DMX is her homeboy
WHEN YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND, you are blessed with someone who will love, care and protect your arse at any given moment, and will probably stab someone for you if she has to. Regardless of what you’re doing, about to do or have done, she’ll ride or die with you, defending you against all whom she meets in your honour. Then when you get home, she’ll cuss you OUT for being a stupid, irresponsible man, but that’s ok, because she respects you enough to do it behind closed doors, what happens between you and her, is nobody’s business except her mother’s and she will ride that bitch til’ the wheels fall off……Or until you think the rules on the fridge don’t apply to you anymore.

Help Her, Help You
WHEN YOU’RE A BOYFRIEND, you have someone who genuinely wants to see you better yourself for YOUR benefit, some men out there, let’s face it, are waste, but there is a woman who sees more than that, who wants to see more form her man than him on Crimewatch, Riots Edition (Hi Jason). She wants to be that girl who sees her man prosper in his chosen field (being a shotta outside Brixton KFC doesn’t count) and become a real man, who pays his her bills and doesn’t live with his mama, because she is TIRED of having silent sex. Nobody wants that #SadFace

After the club it’s the…warm bed
That’s right, you’ve handed in your after party card, and you are taking your arse home after a night out with the boys. Nobody got lucky so everyone is going home together, except the only difference is that you are going home to a warm bed, with a beautiful woman asleep in it, waiting for you to come home and wrap her arms around you and try kiss you with that “bed breath” which is kinda sweet, and also allowed, that’s wifey, that ride or die, bossy, mentally unstable woman who you’ll go to the ends of the Earth for.

Meanwhile, back at the Batcave…

Much as we complain and moan that our girl stresses us out, in the end, I think the main thing we should remember as men is that she is all these things for our benefit, and if that makes no sense to you, maybe you’re not ready to be one.

Stay Up

Mike

You feelin’ Mike on this? If not, why not? Are women this bad AND this good? What’s it like to be a girlfriend? Speak on it!