Five Reasons Why She Isn’t The Wife
Many of my peers are suffering with what is known as a mid-20s life crisis. It is the stage in a young man’s life where he begins to review all the important aspects of his being. Career, spirituality, money, dreams etc and not to forget the women in his life. I knew something was wrong when two of the brothers – both single-, were discussing their wedding day. Now there is nothing wrong with men having a conversation about marriage if it is in the line of when and with who. But I was shocked when two single brothers were discussing chandeliers, horses and carriages.
The good news for men is that this is just a blip and these brothers are outnumbered by millions of other men who act in reverse. When it comes to a man in his 20’s re-evaluating his relationship and beginning to consider marriage, the woman in his life has to at least be wifey status.
Link: A female partner (not certified or exclusive)
Girlfriend: A female partner (certified)
Wifey: A woman who shows the potential to be ones wife
Fiance: A female partner who you are engaged to
Wife: A female partner in marriage
Although it can be a pivotal status, the wifey title is not a place of no return. Many women have been relegated from wifey status to just casual girlfriend for a number of reasons. One of which is ironically is to do with “numbers”.
“The number”
As Maverick famously stated in Number Crunching “….men desire a woman with low numbers…” Hate it or love it, its how the cookie crumbles. A number that is deemed to be higher than average can change his whole perspective. The average man would ideally settle for 2 men as the optimum number (him and the guy you lost your virginity to). A large chunk of trust and solidarity is lost for every number that is added on top of that benchmark.
Girl: “Well there is you, and obviously Jermaine”
Boy’s thoughts: Cool. I can live with that
Girl: erm, oh yeah Jide
Boy’s thoughts: Who? okay three is not bad, she was young, she had boyfriends
Girl: that one time with Kenneth
Boy’s thoughts: This dude was clearly not a boyfriend
Girl: “then there was Michael and David”
Boy’s thoughts: Together? what the hell?
Girl: “Steven doesn’t count because he was a minute man”
Boy’s Thought: You’re a write-off
Girl: Obviously when I went to Cancun, there…
Boy: *kisses his teeth*
This is why it is important that you discuss the number issue early, so the brother knows what he is dealing with. The nasty surprises are a cockblock to him proposing, but then again there are those brothers who shoot first and ask questions last. Backtracking is difficult when you have just taken a loan for the rock on her finger.
The natural supply chain works in his favour
“If women stop having babies at 50 and men can still produce children into the latter stage of their life, it means that biologically nature wanted men to cheat or at least have a side chick” – Don Kwelu
Arguably one of the best analysis’ in defence of polygamy in a long time. Due to our biological make up, there is less pressure for a man to want to settle down and have a family. A man in his mid 20s doesn’t have to settle down with a woman of the same age. In five years time he will be 30 years old and a female who is now 19 would be more than adequate at the age of 24 to be his partner. Whereas a 30 year old women is rarely looking to bide her time for a 24 year old graduate.
Exhibit A: Micheal Douglas divorced Diandra Luker and within the same year he married a younger Catherine Zeta Jones
Exhibit B: Demi Moore divorced Freddie Moore and Bruce Willis (both older men), and tried to pimp the biological system by going for a younger brother in Ashton Kutcher. The outcome was a sadness.
Chivalry works in his favour
Contrary to popular opinion chivalry is not in your favour ladies, especially when it comes to marriage. The rules state that a man should propose, this means that unless he is ready to settle down – which on the evidence above is very unlikely- you are going to wait a very long time. If you want to settle down or lock a brother down, I am afraid you are going to have to get on your knees and propose. But be prepared to get rejected, because if dude has not taken the initiative it is very likely he is not ready.
Jim Jones finally proposed to his long term girlfriend after she previously took the initiative to propose, which he rejected. I can tell by the body language dude was not ready. Standing up and scratching his neck as he puts the ring on her finger. People wonder why the divorce rate is on a whole time high, its because dudes feel pressurised into proposing half-heartedly.
She is not a priority
As mentioned earlier, in their mid-20s when a dude is reevaluating his life, money and career tend to play a part in the list of priorities. Although these options aren’t exclusive to men, they seem to have greater freedom to prioritise these options ahead of relationships because the other two points mention above work in their favour.
“A man loses money chasing women, but gets women chasing money”.
This is not to suggest that women are gold diggers, because most women can more than look after themselves. But a man with money can engage in conversations with women of all levels, from the local chick on the block to boujis sisters in high class bars.
Whereas there seems to be a level of snobbery amongst a certain circle of women, which has led to some financially stable women seeing themselves as being too good to date a man of less financial clout. On the other hand brothers with money rarely dismiss a less fortunate female as an option.
This therefore means that he can invest the next four to five years getting that security, which provides him more options and is therefore less likely to settle down prematurely.
If it aint broke…!
Men have naturally been creatures of habit, which is probably the reason why brothers tend to leave home later than women.
Now imagine if you’re in a relationship with a dude where he is getting everything he wants / needs free of “commitment”? do you really think he is going to want to complicate things with marriage? What is there to gain for him?
There was no reason to certify it, hence why marriage translates to “can I be your girlfriend for life?…well sign on this dotted line”. A man no longer entertaining any other woman is seen as enough commitment from the male species. Just like Mama’s food and free laundry is a good enough reason to not get your own apartment, we have a really simple method when rationalising relationships.
Men Rationale: IF Change = [ Effort WITH No Added Benefit ] THEN = Don’t waste your time
Marriage is a beautiful thing, and I can say this as I have family members and friends who are testament to that statement. But the build up towards the marriage (wedding included) is a bag of hype which is rarely in favour of men, hence why we are more reluctant to take the leap. So you can imagine my shock when brothers are turning wedding planners before they have even been able to find a suitable relationship. The key here is transparency from the get go, whether its how many men you have been with or your intentions to settle down. Just be mindful that what you want is not necessarily in line with his and be ready to hear a totally different perspective on marriage.
The Yak
What do you guys think? Are men more inclined to a linear relationship without marriage? Do these points relate to or concern both men and women? Chime in
Pic Sources: On Sugar, Life 123 and Staying Alive
16 comments on “Five Reasons Why She Isn’t The Wife”
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good read most things u said is true
my gf wnts to get married in 5 years time. im 22 shes 21
tbh i’d rather have kids, house etc first than get married, i wud rather get married at 35+
its not in my books right nw
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I ain’t even gonna lie – Demi Moore put Cougarvillle on the map and made that ish HOT when she snatched up Ashton 7 years ago. *lol* 30 became the new 20 and 40 became the new 28… Yessir. and now they are over………. I noticed that cougarville population is slowly decreasing, women are coming to their senses and getting scurred that their current Mr. Youngin might be looking to be on that last train back to civilization (read: his own age group)
.” If you want to settle down or lock a brother down, I am afraid you are going to have to get on your knees and propose”
lmaoooo. You a fool for this one, I’m sorry but I ain’t that hard pressed yet. *hmph*
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Good Post…yet SAD & PEAK times for some females lol!
The numbers argument is hilarious….
For the ladies that got carried away with the No’s game shame on you LOL!….
Nevertheless all is not lost….a simple sum: good man + good future + peak No.s i.e. “double digits” = straight minimisation of No.s
Y?
Because…… men contrary to the “natural chain supply” will omit the truth regarding their No.s and a lot more regardless!!!!
Especially if he is interested in you to the point of considering the you as the potential wife….and current wifey….
So, if you were acting up in your past though I encourage HONESTY…not every man is cut out to hear or envisage those No.s ….
So as a wise man once said “forever be & act like a lady…but continuously think like a man…” MINIMISE!
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LOOOOL, interesting.
Do men believe that whenever they are actually ready to settle down and get married etc whatever the age, there will be someone there ready to do so as most women in their mid 20′s + are on that mindset already anyway, so no real need to worry?
ps, your wedding planner friends(LOL) have a silent plan mate, thats why.
Thanks Mr Yak, enjoyed the read, always delivering BWNG!! Welcome back!
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Thanks for posting the video.. ppl on my twitter timeline had been talking bout it…
Things i noticed:
When she said yes… he stood there.. just chilling.
She stood up and went to hugg HIM…
He held her with one hand. Other hand was proper stretched out behind him.. weird.
She commanded him to put the on her finger.She: “My Jimmi knew it was time to do the right thing”
Dunno who these two are tbh but I wish them a successfully marriage. Thing is tho it don’t look good to me tbh… I agree his body language seems to suggest he has been pressurised to do the “right thing” because he “knew it was time”.
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*hands in late pass…
1. can we in 2012 block/purge/delete the term wifey? it was an annoying song and even more annoying term. why? because not everyone subscribes to the same definition as BWNG. either you are just a chick, a girlfriend, a fiancee or a wife. period. full stop. most men REALLY dont have an in-between. and it gives a a false sense of hope. im a grown woman, and if a grown man called me wifey – we’d have to fight (and by fight i really mean with pillows or something..im a lover not a fighter) tee hee.
2. and it is for this reason why no woman will ever, EVER, EVERERRR give her actual number. and frankly a man who asks… is a fool. we know it’s going to be used against us (both in and out of a court of law), so why do it? you dont REALLY want to know. you should be asking when was the last time you were tested and when is your next one scheduled for.
more on this here: http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com/2011/09/26/whatsyournumbe/3. Im intrigued by your point about chivalry esp since so many blogs (written by men) believe that we women have killed it. i do disagree with pointing to that as the reason why the divorce rate is high. it’s high because it’s easy to do and not as taboo as it once was. the institution of marriage is no longer revered and respected as it used to be. because like you said, men propose when THEY are ready. so you cant have it both ways here. there may be some cases where men feel pressured into marrying a woman, i refuse to believe that buying a ring, proposing, going through the wedding planning process, walking down an altar, saying vows and repeating after the officiant – that there was NO point in that time the man could have said no, i dont want to do this. sure, it might break her heart, but man up and make a decision. do or don’t. but dont blame her wants on your inability to walk away.
4. we’re dammed if we do. dammed if we don’t. if we fully engage in a relationship – we’re giving the milk away for free. if we make it be known that we want marriage down the line – we’re accused of rushing/pressuring the man. if we don’t fully engage in the relationship – we’re at risk of being single (and growing increasingly jaded and bitter) since there are so many women who are willing to do what another isnt. this is why communicating your expectations upfront is better for all involved. not ready for marriage? cool. don’t expect me to stay and wait til you are. just the same way i wouldn’t expect you to do the same. sometimes it’s worth the risk – other times, it just isn’t.
sorry for the long ass comment!
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@Lee,
thanks!
keisha brown recently posted..the diary: my past, present and future of online dating
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@keisha brown, ” and it is for this reason why no woman will ever, EVER, EVERERRR give her actual number. ”
I hear/see this a lot, especially from guys. It’s not true. If asked, I will, and I know women who hold the same stance. What I find annoying is the thought that whoever is asking may not believe us because of the general consensus that whatever we say is inevitably a lie.
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@NaijaSweetz,
fair enough. i shouldn’t say all women.
i stand corrected, and speak only for myself. it has never been an issue, and men respect me for telling them i have no intention of sharing said detail for it wont make the relationship better as opposed to giving a number they may or may not believe.
keisha brown recently posted..the diary: my past, present and future of online dating
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This post is the truth
men aren’t designed for one women, fact. They say some ethnic minority men love to cheat but what the f, like a century ago I would have had 4 wives and a big family. But this individualistic culture got women competing for men on a mad one. I’m trying to conform to these western ideals but its not easy.
If I tell a woman, I love her, then damn I mean it but that don’t mean I have to be exclusive.
I love you guys for your brutal honesty!