Hey guys, I’m back with my first contribution of 2012. I hope that you all had fantastic holidays and got to celebrate the new years with all the people that are close to you and families. Christmas and New Years is traditionally that time of year when everybody is off work for a few days, relaxed and attempting to have some form of party or gathering at any given opportunity. Being the social whore that I am, I engaged in a bit of both and obviously got into lots of interesting conversations as you do when you are either stuffed or drunk.
Amongst all of these idle informative conversations was one which brought up the subject of male grooming. It is worth noting at this point that although I am not groomed like one of the guys from JLS I am by no means a Neanderthal fresh out of the cave with enough armpit hair for corn rolls. I look after myself you know, a brother gotta stay fresh and look fly for the ladies because any day Yaya Dacosta might just roll pass by and I’ll get my 10 second window (don’t hate). However me, I, alpha male, Don Kwelu, Mr grunt after I say some foul sh*t like Rick Ross, found myself in a conversation about MANDEM shaving pubic hair. I’m sure I even heard one dude say he got a Brazilian and I aint talking weave. I stood there for a moment processing the information I was taking in asking myself the same 3 questions over and over again.
Is this the norm?
Do women like this?
Is this just an attempt at an optical illusion?
(Readers feel free to answer the question)
I know some people are thinking that maybe I gave this too much thought and I even thought the same thing myself but with excess turkey and Courvoisier in my system a brother can surely ponder more f*cked up sh*t than this. So I proceeded to ask a few of the mandem in as indirect a fashion as I could possibly manage and came up with the following
Kwelu: “Yo g, I’m gonna ask you a question yeah?”
Kwelu: “Do you shave fam?”
Friend: “Yeh my beard like once a week”
Kwelu: “Naaa, I mean DO YOU SHAVE FAM?”
Friend: “Why are you asking me the same question twice?”
Kwelu: “Sorry I mean your other hair”
Friend: “What, like my chest?”
Friend: “Uhm…Like once or twice before, when I was trying to emphasise my henchness (Built body). Not something I do on a regular basis though!”
Kwelu: Cool cool. What about your other hair?
Friend: “I trim my armpits if it looks like its getting out of control”
Friend: “Before you ask me, no I don’t shave my balls bro that’s gay! *Pause* I heard guys do that to make their..you know..look bigger though, I aint done it before but I’m just saying…”
I asked a couple of female friends too and most were not keen on the idea and mentioned this so called “the big d*ck trick” on a few occasions, while some women were down for it saying they like a man who is “hygienic”.
This got me thinking about other aspects of male grooming when writing this article. The modern age has seen the rise of the metrosexual man (I would’ve said something else but its 2012 and the government have taken all my rights away). Men these days are a lot more fixated on physical appearance then the generations before and this has seen an increase in the types of activities involved in male grooming. Although some women are all for this and like the idea of a more ‘hygienic’ man there must be limits to this…and it causes some confusion. A man should not avoid sweat, he should feel proud that he has worked hard enough on something to produce some and this is a problem with a lot of men. These days they are trying to be too pretty and are more concerned with swag than DIY and various other “manly things”. If your first thought after working up a sweat becomes Lynx rather than victory then your testosterone levels are dangerously low.
This is the correct order: Victory > shower > Lynx > then go adn re-celebrate the Victory.
So I’m going to offer my services and provide a little list on what I think is ok and you can switch it up a bit but if your list is twice as long as this
Hair TRIMMING - Maintain but don’t be a daffodil and go bald on some “big d*ck trick” antics (that’s fraud). Don’t go bald because some woman gave you a speech (please read the story of Samson and Delilah if need be). If you do it because “that’s your thing” cool, may you and the clippers live happily ever after. For me although that bush might get in the way sometimes and feel like if I keep going I might start a bushfire (men can relate) and unless I’m having sex 100 times a day and getting paid like Mr Marcus, I aint going bald.
Smell – Cocoa butter is a solid foundation and if you can please accompany this with a deodorant of choice (so you can be unique). For formal meetings replace deodorant with proper Cologne and once again Cocoa butter will suffice as a solid foundation
Hair (On head) – Grease your damn head please, I know your mother raised you better than that
Hygiene – Shower once if possible twice a day using a thorough cleaning technique. Brush your teeth min once but twice a day is recommended. Clean your ears and cream your skin
Cocoa Butter and Astral are my two recommended products. E45 used to be prescription only but you hard back mofos can use it if need be.
Miscellaneous - Clip your nails regularly and file them in a heterosexual manner. Sharp nails are a hinderance in more ways than one but hold tight my one long nail crew, i aint with you but that ish is gangster
Clothes – Although this is not part of grooming its still a pivotal part of presentation. Please do not wear leggings, anything leopard print, Uggs and trousers that don’t look like they have enough room to accommodate a penis, this is not on. See the video below on a lesson on how to fail at following protocol.
I thought I would keep it short and sweet for my first of the year and all that so take what you will from it besides the fact that I’m a specialist at awkward conversations. Grooming is cool and these are my thoughts; many people will disagree with me and that’s cool. If brothers want to shape up their eyebrows do you, and if the sisters love it fair play. It’s a question of what’s your thing and whether you want your man too stay in the bathroom longer than you.