If you look hard enough you’ll find a trio of hilarious TV shows on the BBC and Comedy Central called Grumpy Old Men, Grumpy Old Women & Grouchy Young Men.

The premises for each are simple….people talking about any issues of modern life which irritate them. The format is genius and reminds us of the mandom (not mandem) thoughts we have every now and again.

Yes sometimes BWNG will chill in the living room and vent, it’s not a support group, a cry for help or a sign of self-destruction but rather a chance to get sh*t off our chest. This may happen two or three times a year so expect another post like this in three months or so.

So without further ado here’s what modern life issues have made us Grouchy Young Men.

Girls Women who talk/text “lyk dis”

As the great Ed Lover proclaimed….C’mon Son! I’m pretty sure there should be an age limit when you stop talking and texting like you still wear tracksuits to church. Ok I get it, you want to shorten long-winded words (because “like” and “this” are real brainteasers…) but I’d rather you get pins and needles in your fingers than feel like I’m conversating with a GSCE student. As a 20 something I know longer want to be referred to as buff or peng, I’m either good-looking, sexy, handsome, 7.5 or cute…thats it!

Music Videos with no real concept

There’s going to come a time where this formula of having a rapper or singer, rap or sing in front of the camera with a plain background/green screen will no longer be described as a music video, but rather DJ Khaled Blueprints lazy ass behaviour. Not every song has to have that same formula, leave that to remixes. The ratio of music artists to music directors is at least a million to one so surely to make an artist stand out from the pack bar marketing you need to make a video that captures the eyes and mind of it’s viewer?

Why can’t music directors follow the story the song depicts? UK music directors especially have a great market in which to bring creativity to the UK urban scene, but the utilisation is slow. You don’t necessarily need hordes of money, just a concept and believable acting. Exhibit A…

Eastenders

Wow that show has died a horrible death. The last three times I paid serious attention to an episode of Eastenders I’ve seen a dude hold up a cafe of 13 people with a chair leg, a girl get knocked over after watching a car coming towards her for 5 seconds and some Harry Potter looking kid say “swear down”. WTF! Who are the writers for this show? Let me know so I can punch them in the throat. Long gone are the days of good acting and storylines.

Facebook Taggers

Why do some “friends” on facebook proceed in posting up unflattering pictures of you in their photo albums then have the audacity to tag you in them to create further embarrassment? Is there some type of common sense seminar needed on their behalf? I class these facebook taggers in the same category as Gucci Mane, Robert Mugabe & Mel Gibson…..twats.

David Cameron

He’s just a penis.

Fake Gangsters & Ballers

All of a sudden everyone’s all about the P’s, stacks, chips, scrilla blah blah. Also at the same time everyone is also a gangster or shall I say ‘gangsta’ (god forbid I term it like in the dictionary) and feels an urgent need to constantly exhibit some form of stupid behaviour attempting to let the general public know. For example why are you driving your car wearing leather gloves in the summer screwing every pedestrian in sight? (Yet this guy doesn’t know that I see him everyday on his work route wearing his Tesco uniform and not looking gangsta in the sliiightest).

When I ask how you got it, please don’t tell me  “I did a bit of this and that, you get me?“ or that “mans on the road getting this P you get me?” Tell the truth son I’ve seen you and I know you work at least 40 hrs a week. There’s nothing wrong with being legit, in fact an honest living is the best living; be proud momma raised a good child, and please stop saying “you get me?” I clearly don’t otherwise you wouldn’t need to ask so much.

Oh…and the guy that’s in the club hugging his bottle of champagne and walking into the middle of the crowd holding it as high as he can…this is the SAME bottle you bought well over an hour ago (yes we’ve seen it, just drink the damn thing because at least then I know your ass will sit down and stop ruining my vibe, your bottle arm needs too much space arrrgh)

Ugg boots

This isn’t just a gripe with all Ugg boots and wearers; not at all. My beef is only with the girls that persist on wearing them even when they are leaning and you look like you’re walking on the inside of your ankles. People please! this is real f*cked up; if the back of your sole is considerably thicker on one side than it is on the other, there’s a serious problem; please stop it! in fact if this is the case whether they cost you £100 or not THROW THEM AWAY.

Facebook models

You have 2987 pictures on your facebook….2987, hold on 2987. I refer to you as models as this is the only reasoning for such behaviour that you deem a satisfactory excuse for wanting to expose that same face to people with different scenery 2987 times. Please think about this for a moment, a veeeery long one: the next time you decide to take a plethora of pics and upload them, just think about who on earth you think is gonna go through all those pics and you should come to the realisation its either only you or stalkers with a spare 5 hrs on their hands.

X factor, Lame rappers (Wacka Flocka, Plies etc), Rihanna, Cheryl Cole and Susan Boyle

Leave my screen alone

Vocal Women with no money

It’s not necessarily the woman being broke, it’s the insult of words that manage to leave such broken lips “I need a man with (insert cliched luxuries here)”. Now notice in highlighting what she wants she fails to realise what she doesn’t have, or maybe she has realised… but I find it an utter cheek that she knows she’s broke but yet only a man who works as a banker or who drives a CLS can approach her… What an insult to life.

Teenagers who play music from their phone as though it was a boom-box

You see that was cool in the 80’s (and if you were American) because back then you would walk down the street and have a dance off (shoutout to Turbo), but the mere fact that most of the music played nowadays has no appreciation of whether people can dance let alone break dance to, eludes me as to why kids persist to play music on the train or bus on loud speaker…… And what annoys me even further its not even good music and they aren’t actually listening to it themselves; to top it all off every phone comes with a hands free set. MAKE FRIGGING USE OF IT.

Grown ass men who wear trousers below their waist

This for me is the most irritating thing known to mankind…….I’ve tried to conceptualise as to why a man, infact boy feels the need to show the world his boxers, then it occurred to that it’s a way of reminding themselves of when its time to change their boxers…or maybe they’re homosexuals and similar to dogs, someone will come sniffing their boxers and try consummate if the scent approves.

Guys with face and eye coordination issues

The most annoying thing which tends to happen among young ‘urban’ guys is when you’re walking down the high street (usually Oxford Circus) accompanied by other male friends and a man feels the need to look at you firstly, followed by a squint of the eyes and then scrunched up lips as though they are indicating the need to use the toilet…*in hood terms screw their faces* for me there’s no reason to look at me or any other guy in the first place unless you know the person or they look familiar and even then the look should last no longer than 2 seconds, after which if neither of the two applies then visual contact should break….because last time I checked I wasn’t a female for you to be exerting your wannabe gangsta territory.

Free [insert criminal relative/friend's name here]

Arguably the most pointless and socially destructive campaign that we engage in as a demographic of inner city youth is the “Free my man dem” parades. We have all seen it at some point in our young years, a hiphop or grime artist shout out before or after a song Free my man dem Killa G, Shooter J, Robber Man and Shanker Shanks. The crazy thing about it is that there is usually a clue somewhere in the names that maybe they should be kept away from the general public.

The Fact That chicks with no *ss wear Jeggings

First and foremost I must state that these are by far the most pointless and unattractive piece of clothing to have ever come out of any sweatshops. The street kids in India and China should spend those precious hours doing something more productive than putting together a piece of kit which 9 out of ten times is sported by chicks to whom apple bottom jeans was like the forbidden fruit that not even the serpent could attempt to remotely entice them into committing such a blasphemous act.

The problem as a male is that I am forced to look at any chick that wears these pieces of kit and now and again the disappointment comes in that all the kinetic energy wasted in turning my neck could be better spent protesting against child labour in the third world.

People who take their oysters out ONLY when they get to the touch in point

You knew that you would have to use your oyster at some point but rather than have it ready before hand you wait ’til you get to the touch in point and search through your bag. Furthermore why does your bag carry more baggage than a holiday suitcase? I don’t get it.

There’s so much more but we’ll save it for another 3 months. So readers, admirers and anonymous lovers what makes you Grouchy or Grumpy Men and Women? Speak on it!