Lines, Moves and Tactics That Don’t Work On Women
In a weekend filled with potential talking points that included the ‘physical’ shooting threat of Derek Chisora on David Haye (because he is secretly Professor X and can mentally take you out too), the questionably televised but well executed funeral service of Whitney Houston (R.I.P) and Arsenal’s silverware allergies, there was one moment I observed at a comedy night this weekend that got me to write this post.
Now men are sometimes faced with a daunting challenge when having to win the acknowledgement, attention and appreciation of a woman they’re interested in. Like an outbound sales call they have to sound confident in their approach, devise a sales pitch and hope they’ve garnered enough interest and intrigue for the conversation to continue. With the likelihood of rejection due to her always receiving the same type of ‘outbound calls’ or already having what’s on sale, there isn’t much room for failure; which is why I couldn’t get my head wrapped around what this brother did to a woman at the comedy night.
A hot woman walks past, the guy grabs her arm, she looks at her arm and then looks at him and he says….
Guy: Do you have any raisins?
Girl (angrily): No
Guy: How about a date?
Girl kisses her teeth and walks off
I think we can all agree that chat-up line was an abomination but probably a winner for 70% of the contestants on Take Me Out. So where did he really fail? The grabbing of the arm. Its 2012, the grabbing of the arm hasn’t worked since…ever, why is it still being tried today? Brothers are giving out free Chinese burns with 0% success rate and looking baffled. Newsflash: Women hate it. That moment made me think of a number of lines, tactics and moves that men still try today that don’t work 99% to 50% of the time. Would you like to see them? Of course you would, lets go!
99% likelihood of failure
Now the reason I say 99% instead of 100% is because after watching what those two girls did with that cup a few years back (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then lucky you) I will always know there is that 1% population in the world who are down for anything, by down for anything I meant f***** insane.
Psst Psst – What kinda snake chant is this? Using onomatopoeia to get a woman’s attention? That’s not grown. Sure she will turn around but just to see what type of brothers are recycling lost tactics in 2012. Of course the 1% who respond to this are spoiling it for the rest of the women but a brother’s chances are reduced dramatically when he has to replace the simple words “excuse me” with a modified whistle.
Hollering From Your Car – We’ve all been there, we’re in the car and we gaze to our left or right and see the type of woman to cause a car crash. Some choose to look, some choose to park up and approach and then some choose to shout through the car window. The latter is a fail, why are you shouting like you’re selling cheap fruit from Dalston market? Causing this scene will only make her feel embarrassed, cheapened and will get you nowhere unless you drive a maserati.
75% likelihood of failure
I Just Wanna Be Friends – The proverbial back up line to when a woman responds “I have a man”. For most men this back up line is to save face and hang on to that thing we call dearly, pride; while for others it is Plan B. Success rate used to be lower but social media and BBM give brothers avenues for future contact. So where a sister may not be happy in giving her number, a pin/twitter account is a substitute. Failure rate is still high however and that ‘friends’ concept is lame, let it go.
Good Cop, Bad Cop – This wingman concept when executed properly is a story teller for years to come; problem is that its success rate is low. You know the tactic when you get your friend or acquaintance to approach a girl you like and he acts like an idiot, is derogatory towards her and uses all failed tactics in one; then you come in and apologise for his actions and play the good guy, being respectful and making her laugh and she smiles and you’re in? Yeah that doesn’t work most of the time, as much as it’s a good plan, she may not take kindly to it because you the good guy are associated with bad guys. “You are who your friends are”
50% likelihood of failure
Buying Her A Drink: I remember when I was 18 at a new year’s eve rave and was making countless eye contact with this girl. We got to talking and I bought her a drink; silly naïve me thought that the fact that she accepted the drink meant that she was essentially mine for the night, I’d be getting her number and we’d meet up at another time. Neither of the three happened, my biceps grew from trying to pick my jaw from off the floor, I had squandered my investment, I felt used. There was a lesson learned; fellas, getting her a drink buys you more time for your sales pitch but does not necessarily seal the deal.
Cliched Lines: Cliched lines that aren’t direct pick-ups are a 50/50, women may have heard them before but if the right comedy is conveyed from it, it may work at that initial point. However you also have an equal likelihood of getting the Jesse Jackson side eye from many a woman. Lines like ‘Don’t I Know You From Somewhere?’ “I feel like I’ve seen you before” could go either way, you and her could both know that you haven’t seen her a day in your life but such is the social landscape nowadays she may think you have mistaken real life visuals for her avatar on Twitter, don’t count on it though, women know this line all too well.
There are more lines, tactics and moves that fail on women but where would be the fun in not allowing our readers to join in? Ladies what else doesn’t work for you? Brothers what other approaches haven’t worked for you in the past? Somebody tell me a story.
I’m gone like Arsenal’s trophy hopes (again)