Men Are Men, Right?
“I hope you’re not acting like your father”
“You will not be like your father…. in Jesus’ name”
“Don’t treat women like that…ah ah reminds me of that stupid man”
A brief snippet of the words drummed into every day of my life, compliments of mummy dearest…
Myself and a few friends attended a discussion a few months back about the dating game, and how it’s changed since the days of our parents and our parent’s parents…. from which a guy made a somewhat outlandish statement. However, for some odd reason it stuck with me for the whole weekend…maybe a few months..
“Men no longer know how to be men…and the same for women (not knowing how to be women)…but more so men”
Usually I’d shun this off as just another quote but it got me thinking…Cue Carrie from Sex and The City style moment Is what I know to be a man or how I’ve conducted myself, been that of a man? It was the first time I had heard something of that nature but ironically wasn’t the last…as a result I began to delve further into this reoccurring realm and notion many referred to as “The Feminization of the Man” Below are responses from a few of my female friends on guys of their past.
“Men don’t know how to be men”
“Men are ridiculously emotional these days, gosh”
“He likes me a bit too much”
“mofo proposed to me after a week..*bbm hand covers face*
I lost all ratings I never had for the guy proposing after a week.
Anyway it seemed there was an element of truth in this, men becoming or being more women like in personal attributes. Why is this? The first thing that springs to many a mind is a guy’s parents being split. Although a lot of people talk about the adverse affects a ‘broken home’ has it wasn’t until recently that I came up with my take on the affects I believe being from a broken home has on men…and women.
A random classroom in East London:
Kid 1: Yo! parents evening was crazy, my mum gave me the wooden spoon when I got in
Kid 2: Same here, teachers take the piss…Kid 3 I see you with your mum and some dude… who was that?
Kid 3: ….My dad
Kid 1 & 2: YOU HAVE A DAD? Nooooo waaaaay get out of here…2 parents. Mate how’s that feel?
True story….sort of….
My mother, similar to that of some of my fellow BWNG and affiliates, raised me by herself. Growing up, it wasn’t abnormal to be from a ‘broken home’ but if you had both parents you were a rare commodity.
Broken homes are usually a result of some marriage or relationship malfunction and don’t usually end amicably. Looking back especially at the spoken words to begin this post with by my Mum, her aim was always to raise me to be less like my dad. Her aim was to create the perfect man, but in the eyes of a woman. With that being said I began to realise that I was almost a result of my father’s woes and that a large part of my personal characteristics like emotions and approach etc are mitigation from the countless mistakes that my mother endured with my father. The WoeMan!
Traits passed from my mother
- Making me more aware of the ability to understand even when I don’t understand
- Being more in touch with my emotions
- Never afraid to express a level of emotions to my fellow counterpart
- Appreciating the partnership with a women when making the decision to aid towards Unison
In an ideal world the above would make perfect sense, however these are and can only be ideals not the real world. No insult to my mother or any of those out there, however I feel a woman cannot fully raise a man, she can do a good job however there are some aspects of developing a boy’s character which requires a dominant male figure. I’m of the opinion that a man can possess the above however it’s the whole thing of striking a balance, as too much of anything can at times not be a good thing.
Traits you would assume are passed from fathers to son
- Making an executive decision
- Knowing when to take lead and be the head of the house
- Accept responsibility
- Being strong in times of weakness which provides indirect comfort to and for the household
Now the above may seem somewhat alpha male, sexist, typical etc however my point is merely towards striking a balance between the two sets of traits; which could also breech the gap in what we seem to be suffering with regards to notion that Men don’t know how to play their position in the house and likewise with our fellow female counter parts. Don’t get it twisted either, women too are suffering from a slight deficiency in the act or know how of ‘being a lady’ however this too can be a result of not having a father/Woes of father… to remind young girls of the princess they are knowing that one day they will make the transition from princess to queen….no not Lil Kim Princess to Queen B…but the princess that understands how a man is ought to treat a woman and expecting nothing less than that.
So yeah… that’s my very small take on the lack of manly men and womanly women, and why I feel this is slight cause for concern… remember readers I’m not objectifying this theory however like all other theories, it simply acts as a catalyst in ascertaining a possible explanation for the discussion at hand.
Lets debate
Maverick
16 comments on “Men Are Men, Right?”
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Damn homie, this struck a chord with me, reminds me f that TreynSongz tune “from a woman’s hand” off his first (best) album.
As a man raised by women, my gran, mother and two sisters I feel pretty int tune with my emotional side and I attribute that which is best in me to them.
Many people think my parents are split up bit they’re not, 27years of marriage and family life has brought a balance to my life, no doubt.
I do feel though, as someone who barely has a relationship with his dad that it’s unfair to say women can’t raise a man to be “a man”
I think through being raised by women I’ve learnt to appreciate them more, I’ve learnt about protection and loyalty and respect, about knowing when to put my foot down and knowing when to compromise and also knowing when to just shell the Fu** up, coz lord knows enough guys dot know when to just let a woman say what she needs to say.I’ma end this long comment with something my mum told me when I was a teenager, “you are the man you want to see your sisters end up with” that right there was and still is my motivation to be a “real man” regardless of the feminisation of my character through being raised by women, it is because of them that I am the man I am today.
Great post
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@Idontliketea, I’m glad you liked it bro, it seems like you have a balance as your aware of the attributes passed on to you…And thats an important thing which I feel is lacking..
The last bar made a brother shed a tear #no homo
“You are the man you want to see your sisters end up with”
That is the realest response thats ever post ..
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@ Maverick.
Great Post….However its all well and good to say father figures ect, are needed in households to teach men how to be men, (whatever that means) but a father figure does not always equate a positive role model, A person who serves as an example of the values, attitudes, and behaviours associated with a role. Role models can also be persons who distinguish themselves in such a way that others admire and want to emulate them. Which can come in the form of a mother.
There are fathers who are in the household but do not participate in the upbringing of their children, or fathers who are not exactly ‘positive’ in terms of how they live their life and act towards their children (dont wanna go into detail but u get my drift).
Dont wanna get all SOCIOLOGICAL on u (but i thought i’d put my fancy degree to some use lol) Being a ‘man’ is learnt behaviour that has being defined by society, it starts from the moment one is born, colours such as blue and pink are associated with gender, what toys a child should play with, what types of emotion they should exhibit (TRUE STORY I was in a park one day and a little boy about 5 or 6 fell over and started to cry his parent/guardian rushed over and instead of comforting him told him ‘he better not dare cry..bcos boys don’t cry’ *side eye) REALLY!?
A boy will always have biological characteristics that define him as such (know know what they are …don’t make me write it out lol) so he will always ultimately be a ‘man’. However being a diligent, hardworking, positive member of society is learnt behaviour which a father may not always necessarily pass on to his son/daughter.
Yes studies have shown that nuclear families are what functions well/better in society this form of primary socialisation is not being practiced much in the generation that we are living in and those who deviate away from this way of life and are characterised into a box and placed in another social spectrum which labels them as being not of the norm and coming from ‘broken homes’ resulting to certain behaviours and taking certain paths in life.
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I can definitely say I understand what you mean by the feminization of man, but i think a lot of that has to do with society and how man’s role has changed, and thus they’re failing to adapt to there new positions correctly.
I would spend so much time saying to my ex ‘are you a p*ssy’? or am ‘i lesbian’! like seriously do not ask me why i don’t tell you your handsome!?! Being able to empathise is not the same as being effeminate. Men need to start taking control and being a MAN this doesn’t mean misogyny or beating or some foolishness.
It means asserting yourself in situations where your needed or you perceive yourself to be needed. Do a Barack Obama, Kill Osama quietly and don’t make a fuss. Praise will be bestowed accordingly.
That is all. Good post
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Even though I didn’t grow up with MY father, I was lucky enough to grow up with my step father that my mother married when I was about 15. Taught me how to be a man better than any male relative, or my worthless father ever did. Shame though that my step father, a white man, taught me this, over all the black ‘men’ in my family.
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Great post Maverick.
I agree with you 100%.
I’d love to be very feminine but the reality when check myself, is I’m not. Being raised by just my mum and surrounded my brothers and male cousins has made me regrettably more of a dude than that of a lady. Even aunts raising boys on single handed. Mum would say *Nigerian accent required for full effect* “I you mother am only training you so you don’t be come an invalid on account of any man” Bitterness from the abandonment issues she suffers as an wife that’s been rejected & single mother drummed in constantly.
Just this Sunday after church I was changing a tire, Why? Cos there was no man to assist in the job ( having been trained you can’t depend on a man mental note from mum and other women kicks in) and calling recovery is long and in myself I find men are not dependable. Eventually had to call my uncle (and elder I respect) to come to assist as I hadn’t the strength of a man to turn the nut to get the wheel off, that and being in 6inch heels. But as I watched him change the tyre and put air in all the others (without even asking)I felt a bitter sweet feeling. I’m a woman not a man but out of up bringing and survival I’ve just manned up!
This also causes relationship issues too! Women being men in relationship and men being women.
Looking at that day and just reflecting on myself as a woman, I could see why guys would run a mile or keep me in the friend zone. I’m mandem in heels. KMT!
Back to my case in point. Men and woman need both parents if not parents then influences in their lives. Seeing my mum do literally EVERYTHING, has made me the same way. She was mum but doing dad most of the time. My brothers luckily have come thru ok as guys cos they had my cousins and uncles to school then, but they neglected to school me on being a lady and got either neglected /rejected or treated as a dude.
Roles have really changed and it a shame.
God willing our children will be better balanced and we as parents will do better learning from experience.
By the way, sorry for the long comment. *wink*
Off to shoot some pool. Deuces!
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Really good post. A lot of valid points made. Check out a tribute response by myself
http://manupstayup.blogspot.com/
Cocoa
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Reading this post was quite interesting in that when I think about this subject I always think about it in a much broader sense of men not doing all those responsible manly things that are normally associated with being a grown man.
I think that there are a good few men out there who still act like boys into their late 20′s through to 30′s, who would rather play xbox and hang out with the guys, shag endless women, rather than try and accomplish something in life.
I am not fussed about a guy being overly emotional or in touch with feminine sides as i’d rather an emotional guy professing love too soon, who is able to go out into the world and act like a man, than a none emotional man who only cares about footy, xbox, mandem and road at 35.
I think its influenced by how a person is brought up, but I also think that there comes a point where you have to release yourself from the shackles of whatever upbringing you’ve had and be a man.
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I thought this was interesting to read then start to wonder a couple things…
Do you feel that the traits that should have been passed down from your father you don’t possess?
and then if you were to have kids would you pass on traits from your mother or traits you feel you should have gained from your father? basically does this breed a cycle of less manly men because you were raised by a woman
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Such a touchy subject, but I’m happy you covered this. I wouldn’t want to generalise and say all men have lost that manly confidence, become way too feminine, but I feel that this is strongly the case. I think it’s great to have a companion who can understand, have the patience to try and listen etc but to have a man who can’t make do with his hands is pointless. So many guys in this generation have become divas. Want to drive nice cars but can’t utilise a spanner. Love calling out labels and follow fashion more than andre Leon. Forgotten how to court. Women etc, but that was a lesson missed.
The ‘new man’ takes precedent. It’s going to be difficult for a man of today to be given a reality check, few ladies left and few men around to lead as role models -
Maverick I am impressed!
I very much agree with the need for a man to have a combined prominent, yet positive male figure in their life (particularly in understanding their manhood) , combined with the emotional intelligence that often mothers provide.
Yes, I do think that men have become to a degree overly feminised, partly by the influence of mothers and to some degree, societies subconscious hidden emphasis on breaking down the role/characteristics a man has within his family.
More importantly, some suggest cash flow has sadly become symbolic of what being a “real man” is (please note I DO NOT agree with this statement!). As a result, for some men whom have no cash and are NOT grounded in their understanding of what it is to be a man, can be left vulnerable & their identity at threat.
Instead, I think females even the “independent ladies” enjoy and crave a man that is confident, assertive and compassionate.
So, my question to you considering that you shed a tear at the line
“You are the man you want to see your sisters end up with”.Would you consider yourself to be that man as yet?
A very good blog – reminds me of an article i read in the Voice a couple of weeks ago – here’s a link to it http://www.voice-online.co.uk/content.php?show=19853