Meet the Parent

If you’re like me you take the event of introducing your girlfriend to your parents very seriously. Especially if you happen to have an ex girlfriend who your mother really got on with and you dread the brutal honesty of her openly asking

“what happened to (insert ex name here)? I liked her!.”

Awkward.

But just as daunting is the thought of making a fool of yourself when you first get to meet your girlfriend’s parents. In fact this tends to be a bigger deal for women than men. I remember when I was in my teens and my then girlfriend of a few months sent me a text saying she wants to ask me something in private. There was me thinking she was ready to let a brother ride the pony, but nope. She made such a big deal about asking me to have dinner at her parents I was starting to wonder whether or not I would get me some.

For the two weeks leading up to that night, I was in limbo thinking of what to wear, say etc and we were no way near serious. Now imagine being in a serious relationship and being put in the same predicament?

But don’t worry, having been in this position quite a few times, seen as gyal are quick to hubby a good brother early, I think I have a few tips which might be able to help you.

Step 1: Avoid sensitive subjects like religion and politics

Alot of people make the mistake of falling into the trap of bringing up touchy subjects to overcome the silence. Remember this is a forum for you to be interrogated, so the only time you break the silence is to express how good the food is or admiring the interior design. Don’t think because there is a big Union Jack flag at the door that you can begin a discussion about immigration.

Marlon: “Just like you Mr Jones, I am proud to be British. I mean I am black but my parents have been here since the war. Now these new immigrants flooding our shores are not welcome, you know what I mean…especially the Eastern Europeans taking all out jobs”

Little did Marlon know that Mr Jones was adopted from a long line of Polish migrants.

Religion is another tricky one. So be careful when they ask you about your religious beliefs. The key is to be honest and show that you are open to accept other people’s beliefs. Although if your girlfriend is African, there is a 98% chance that you will be born again by the time you leave that house.

Step 2: Do your homework on the father

In these scenarios there is only one cockblocker, known as the dad. The fact that you are being invited for dinner, basically means that the mother has heard enough about you that she has managed to convinced the pops to have you around. So this exercise is merely for him to interrogate you into finding out if you are the right type of man for his daughter. The mothers are sold the second the daughters mention the word “love”, whereas the same word makes the old man cringe. So the key here is to know what he is into and enough information, so you can sort of prepare for some of the awkward answers and questions thrown your way. The worst dads tend to be the ones that like random sports like Rugby and Polo, so trying to strike conversations about those interests will be interesting to say the least. But its best you know what you are dealing with.

Step 3: Bring a bottle or two

This one is tricky because common sense would say bring a bottle of red and white wine, but if your girlfriend is African then Supermalt will go down like a house on fire. Also if they are a religious family, alcoholic beverages is not necessarily the best ice breaker and neither is a bottle of juice as a substitute, because it would look like you are mocking. 9/10 times the wine does the job. The key here is finding out what the mother’s favourite type of wine is; because she is less sceptical about you and therefore will welcome the gift as being thoughtful and sweet. The dad will just look at you like you are trying to buy your way into his family, only because he will naturally have a pessimistic view of you until he is able to get to know you.

Step 4: Under promise and over deliver

This means coming dressed appropriate for a dinner, not as if you have just looted LV and Gucci. Over excessive dress sense and cologne does not necessarily give the impression that you are doing well. In fact the purpose of your presence is to come across as a humble character, who only speaks about his achievements when asked. The swag needs to be grown and sexy ala Maverick’s post. Let the interaction win them over not the Issey Miyake cologne.

Step 5: Win over the mum (heart) and the dad (mind) will follow

If all else fails and it looks like you are in a sinking ship because you have managed to disrespect everything the father stands for, work on the mama. Like Beyonce says “Who runs the world? Girls”. Although we have discovered that the dad is the biggest cockblocker, the mum is the one calling the shots at the end of the day. The dad naturally cockblocks because he was once young and he does not want karma to come back and bamboozle his daughter. The mums know what it is like to fall in love at a young age and would do whatever it takes to almost relive that through their children. But if the mother senses that you’re playing game, they will be the first to evict you out of the house and the dad would be more than happy to succumb to her demand, because to him he would rather have his daughter single until they discover a way to conceive children without sexual intercourse. So the key here is to keep an eye on the mother’s reactions and drop in a few praises here and there.

These are some of the tricks that have worked in the past, but the key is to remember that the first time you are invited to have dinner at your girlfriends house, you need to think of it like a court date.

You = Defendant
Dad = Prosecutor
Girlfriend = Defendant’s Lawyer
Mum = Jury & Judge
Witnesses = Sisters & brothers

And if you know anything about going to court (oh so I heard), you want to look as less of a suspect as possible. So only speak when spoken to and make sure you do your job on the prosecutor, because he is looking to lock you away for good.

The Yak

Whats your thoughts on the men’s guide? Have you got any success and fail stories on when you had to meet a partner’s parents? Dont be afriad to share, lets communicate