As a teenage boy there were two things, which I found very difficult to explain to women.

1. Explaining to my mother why the toilet roll miraculously appeared in my bedroom every other morning.
2. The offside rule.

The reason why men struggle to explain the offside rule to women is down to the fact that we don’t really fully understand it ourselves. The rule is so open ended that every single man on the planet’s interpretation is dependent on whether the decision is in their favour or against.

[Goal against his team]: “He was miles offside!, is the referee blind? come on linesman”

[Goal for his team]: “Well these things happen in football, the referee is only human”

This is very similar to the concept of the “Friend Zone” (when a woman uses the terms “I thought we were just friends” or “Friends don’t do that”). When it suits her she will have friends with benefits and the concept of friendship will not be a deterrent from her getting some (usually from someone she likes). But where there is no attraction, the concept of ruining the “friendship” becomes “taboo” and out comes the linesman’s flag.

"Oh my god, I cant believe you just did that. You’re like a Brother to me"

So this brings us to the real purpose behind the article, getting men to understand the true meaning behind the “Friends Zone” and women to understand the offside rule.

“…A player is in an offside position if three conditions are met: first, the player must be on the opposing team’s half of the field. Second, the player must be in front of the ball. And third, there must be fewer than two opposing players between him and the opposing goal line, with the goalkeeper counting as an opposing player for these purposes…” – Wikipedia

Still confused? Ok you can watch this short video at your leisure.

Unfair Advantage

The offside rule was designed to make football more interesting by preventing players from gaining an unfair advantage by standing right next to the goal for simple tap in. The friend zone was constructed under the same science, a man cannot gain an unfair advantage of pretending to be a woman’s friend in order to get in her goodies.

The rule is in place to protect the defenders (women) and penalise the attackers (men) for applying weak tactics. Its too easy for a striker to just stand behind the defence, or in other words a man tapping into a woman’s emotions. The disgust towards a player who celebrates an offside goal is similar to one of a man who manipulates his way into her pants, and in some cases the victims tend to turn violent.

“ I hate you. You used me!, I thought you weren’t like the others”

The Last Man is key

The key word in the “friends zone” is when she states that you’re not like the “others”. When she mentions “others”, she is usually referring to her last relationship. So once again the rules of offside and “friend zone” are synonymous in that understanding the manoeuvrability of last man is key. In the offside rule the player must at least be level or behind the last man, if he is any closer to the goal than the last man, there is an infringement. So if you are doing sweet things which her last man failed to do such as “buying her flowers”, “listening to her talk about her broken heart” etc, you are slowly putting yourself too far past the line that is required to get in there in the first place. Find out what she liked and didn’t like about him, and manoeuvre in and around that region with a little bit of your creativity, then you will score. Once you touch the emotional zone past her last man, is usually where she flags you offside because you are now interfering with play (trying to get it in).

There was a stat recently which showed that Darren Bent only touches the ball 24 times per game, yet he is one of the most prolific strikers in the league. He is a perfect example of someone who doesn’t do too much other than his job, which is to score and is therefore rarely caught offside (or in the friend zone for that matter).

If you try to get too close to here emotions, you will be put in the box of where usually there is no return.

Cohesion

One of the biggest myths in dating is that you can never get out of the “friend zone”. Well, getting out of the friend zone is dependent on the cohesion between the woman’s sexual tendencies and her “lady like morals”.

A woman’s intent is similar to the back four of a football team. A defence is traditionally divided into four players a left back, a right back (her sexual tendencies), two centre backs. (her security and insurance plan)

The right and left back are known as full backs, which in modern day football tend to have more attacking tendencies than traditional full backs whose only job was to defend as a solid back four. This is no different to modern day women who now have the freedom to show their sexual desire to score with the male counterparts, where traditionally society required her sexual urges to remain dormant under her defensive shield known as being “a lady”.

Now, a back four that is assured and cohesive is less likely to let in an offside goal because they will be tactically aware on how to approach each scenario. i.e: A woman that knows that you are no more than a friend will make it clear and not give off many changes for you to get the wrong idea. But a back 4 with no cohesion where the full backs have no sense of holding the line, will continuously be exposed to letting in goals and calling for offside when it is too late.

Scenario One (Offside Trap Works): Have you been in a situation with a woman where everything is right and just as you are about to take it to another level, she moves herself out of the way like “negro please..you’re like a brother to me”? That is cohesion in her back four; because there is no sexual energy, her security (centre backs) can command the type of response that will leave you embarrassingly in the “friend zone”. Similar to the video below, the defence collectively move out of the way to embarrassingly leave the opponents in the offside zone.

Scenario Two (Offside Trap Fails): This is where she tells you, you are friends but her sexual tendencies let off now and again. The in-balance leads to goals where the offside (friend zone) card is no longer applicable.

Look at how the lack of cohesion and understanding in the Arsenal defence from number 11 plays the scorer onside.

Benefit of a Doubt

The worst thing a man can do is put himself in a friends position before any indication from the female. If a woman has not indicated that you’re in the “friend zone”, don’t act surprised when the situation presents itself. Shoot first ask questions last, because you don’t want to be an Ade Akinbiyi – a type of striker who always seems surprised when he given all the opportunities and by the time he managed to get the courage to convert, the opportunities were lost or missed horribly -the well has run dry-.

All the females I know who are yet to make the “friend zone” statement known, are 100% on the radar if the opportunity presents itself.

PS: Ade Akinbiyi was brought as a replacement to Emile Heskey in 2000. #Sadness

I hope this has shed some light to the male audience on how to overcome the “friend zone” and explained to some of our female readers the offside rule. But the true meaning behind this is really to show that men like women don’t actually understand the rules and regulations of the games in which they play. We throw the offside rule about because the opposing team happen to be smart enough to get a goal versus our beloved team, whilst the fairer sex use the “friends zone” as the nicest possible way to say “you are a really great guy, but I don’t see myself having sex with you”. Either way, with every rule, there are a million and one ways to get yourself around it. And these two are no exceptions.

The Yak