Sex and Relationship Movies Which Need To Be Directed
As part of our anniversary month BWNG are teaming up with some of our favourite bloggers around the world for special guest posts. Today we team up with Lincoln Blades, editor of This Is Your Conscience.
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Lincoln Anthony Blades, and I am here to help add some critical yet common sense insights into your sex, dating and relationships that we ALL have the tendency of forgetting and overlooking. As I write this piece, I’m being bombarded with incessant cackling and horribly inappropriate and corny comments ["I wish he would bust a nut all over MY sexy back"] from a group of my female co-workers behind me as they crowd around a computer monitor to watch some frowsy Justin Timberlake movie about friends with benefits who TRY to stay F-Buddies until they both discover they want a *gasp* relationship with each other [why the HELL do they make this movie every. damn. year?].
The frustrating part is that I can hear them nodding in agreement like this movie is SO revolutionary in displaying how the different sexes interact – when in reality it’s a load of unrealistic, over-glamorized and contrite BS. Instead of watching corny films like THAT, myself and BWNG have some movies that NEED to be directed to help give women (and men) USEFUL insight into love and sex, such as the following:
You know what makes me sad? Whenever I hear about a woman coming home from work too early and catching HER man deep-stroking some scallywag in THEIR bed while he’s making her squirt all over THEIR sheets in the house THEY own – and then the girlfriend/wife goes crazy and attacks THE OTHER WOMAN. What part of the game is that? It is YOUR man who is disrespecting you and breaking the sacred promise he made to you to be faithful and honour you, yet you decide to grab the steak knife and try to slice her left-t*tty off. Well in this film, Jada would be grabbing that steak knife and getting right up in Hancock’s sorry-ass.
“My Status might just change My Status”: starring Kanye West
I scratch my head whenever I see someone send subliminal shots at their other half via BB/FB/Twitter statues. First off WHY are you airing out your business for the world to see THEN have the audacity to get MAD at the world for asking What’s Wrong? Posting up your relationship problems on social networks WONT help solve them. In this movie Kanye will take it a tweet or BB update too far and find himself devolving from main squeeze to side chick/diva dude or single status within seconds…he then confides in his companion Usher who advises him to make a platinum selling album about being alone. Wait…that’s not so bad..
I constantly try to warn women about how STUPID [and not to mention PATHETIC] it is for y’all to let dudes, who you are NOT attracted to and don’t even LIKE or RESPECT, take you out on dates simply because you are cheap and lazy and want a free damn meal. Well in this film, our protagonist Tearri Mari [and her "Sponsor"-wanting ass] would be going around town using and abusing weak dudes for free meals, until one fateful night she goes on a date with Big Sean – and learns that a roofie and waking up not remembering WHAT happened last night or how you ended up naked in a strange bed, is a POWERFUL motivator to NEVER put yourself in a vulnerable situation when trying to play a dude. The movie ends up with Tearri’s big brother, played by NFL linebacker Ray Lewis, slapping the Chardonnay stains off Sean’s teeth.
“Was it Worth It?”: starring Tiger Woods
We’re not here to say that we condone cheating in any sense of the word but IF you are going to cheat, matter of fact IF you are famous and going to cheat, matter of fact IF you are famous, going to cheat and have money in abundance why would you pick the most regular girls on the planet to do it with? I don’t understand guys who cheat with girls uglier than their main squeeze, it serves no purpose! Cheating is bad as it is but to get caught with chicks that look like Anne Widicombe is PATHETIC. Be Ashamed. In this movie, Tiger Woods would reprise his alleged role as the culprit. In the end he’ll sit with half his money gone, disownment left, right and centre and ask himself, was it worth it?
In this film, Traci would return to reprise her role as Joan Clayton from Girlfriends who’s still looking for love until she meets the PERFECT man: Eric Benet. She informs him of her 3-month NO-SEX rule that she arbitrarily created to give herself some false ideal of self-respect even though tying use of her vagina to a specified time period, instead of the depth of the connection is ridiculous, he goes along with it and waits out the 3 months before he FINALLY gets to smash. But in month 4, Joan finds out that Eric has 6 impending baby mothers all impregnated within the previous 3 months when THEY weren’t having sex. As she goes to approach him about being a low down dirty dog, he says “Hey B*tch! That 3-month rule is like washing my hands after I take a piss at McDonalds: It’s YOUR policy, NOT MINE!”
Ladies and gentlemen, these movies may never see the light of day but hopefully the idea of them can stop some of y’all from making the same dating mistakes and subjecting yourselves to HORRIBLE situations and FROWSY people.
This Is Your Conscience / BWNG