The Ex-Files: Keeping Pictures of The Ex
Let me tell you a story about a guy and a girl called Mork & Mindy.. Ike & Tina.. Corey & Tapenga.. Michael and Vanessa. Michael who was an accountant and Vanessa who was an IT Consultant first met at a house party thrown earlier last year; they hit it off immediately and within a month or so were officially together. A month after that when Vanessa’s new pay scale at work was activated, she got herself a new apartment. Michael helps Vanessa move in and picking up new furniture. While he’s putting the finishing touches to her chester draws in her bedroom she is creating a mirage of photos on her wall . After an hour or less her bedroom looks like a showroom in Ikea, it is complete; she smiles, he smiles and she goes into the kitchen to get him some Supermalt.
While she’s in the kitchen he looks at the photos on the wall. He laughs at school pictures of her, pictures of her with the family, and smiles at pictures of him and her together….then he comes across pictures of Vanessa and her ex on the wall who she broke up with not too long before she got with Michael, his smile disappears. There’s not only one, but three photos of her and her ex together on the wall. Michael is annoyed by this and calls Vanessa in to talk about it. Vanessa agrees to take the photos down but she refuses to throw them away. Michael is pissed off at this point and they get into a full on argument….the Supermalt wasn’t consumed by Michael that night….in fact Michael never got to consume any drink at all in Vanessa’s new place. They split up. All over a photo of her ex.
So the question is….Is there anything wrong with keeping pictures of an ex?
I’m pretty sure there’ll be somewhat of an uneven split of which 35-40% will say no; they’re the ones who currently have pictures of their ex or who genuinely don’t have a problem with being with someone who does. The other 60-65% will either be on the fence about it or say yes and they will not have it in the slightest!
Me? I sway slightly towards the latter two depending on circumstance; I can understand the whole concept of memories and keeping moments that brought you happiness and made you who you are today…But I can’t say I’d be comfortable with these mementos, especially not in Michael’s situation. Michael should’ve dealt better with Vanessa’s initial compromise but because of the circumstance in which he discovered the photos I could empathise with his concern. It’s these type of concerns that have 60-65% of people saying yes.
Why? well..
There are five questions from the 5 W’s that come into play which contribute to the level of concern surrounding a partner who keeps a picture of their ex.
WHO is the photo of? – There’s Exes and There’s EXES. Now if the photo is of little Eugene or Wendy who the partner used to have a puppy love relationship with in primary/secondary school and they shared drumstick lollipops in tuck shops, chances are a brother/sister is not caring. If they are caring, have them examined immediately. Chances are, recent exes will garner less concern but if it’s the MOST RECENT ex then there’s problems; especially if the partner used to put or still puts alot of importance on that relationship. Uncomfortable levels will be high.
WHERE was the picture found? – Was it in a memory box? Was it in the partner’s phone? Was it in a facebook album/profile pictures? Was it on a computer? In a photo album? You often notice that where it’s found suggests the level of importance the partner gives to it…or if they even remember it’s there at all. A memory box or photo album for instance has an element of significance but because of limited use, the partner may not even remember that their ex is in them. A Facebook album, computer or phone however may illustrate how important they still are and with daily access to those mediums its a constant reminder of past happiness. A concerned person will find it difficult to deal with that.
WHAT is the picture of? – More often than not it’s probably of your partner and their ex partaking in landscape, soft focus, lovey dovey type pictures that could only be made more romantic with a GIGANTIC quote over it that you’re supposed to believe was first penned by Wiz Khalifa. (Shoutout to Tumblr). The levels of concern change with numbers of people and volume of clothes:
Group Photo with Ex… Not Too Concerned
Wiz Khalifa Photo...A Little Concerned
Holiday Photo of Partner and Ex in Bikini/Just Shorts…Concerned
A Photo Of Just Their Ex…Very Concerned
A Photo Of Partner and Ex Naked or just Ex Naked…Christian Bale
WHEN was the picture found? – At what stage of the relationship was the picture found? Does it matter? Yes and No. Yes because some people may not be so cool with having to see pictures of what WAS, so early in a relationship, it may affect the short and medium term future of it; but those same people may not care if they found it a year down the line because they’re in too deep, feel less disrespected, threatened, or uncomfortable. No because some people will be just as pissed, if not more pissed with photos surfacing deep into a relationship than at the early stages. Why are we married and you STILL have photos of them?
WHY do you still have pictures of your ex? – Ultimately this is the defining question behind someone of concern. When is the line stepped over from accessing memories to holding on to the past?
Depending on the seriousness of their relationship, memories will always stay engrained in the conscious and the subconscious of people. A song, a location, a mutual friend, a movie, meeting someone with the same name…anything can trigger up thoughts or memories of a moment in time; which then begs the question..so why do you need photos?
…and then he was gone…
JC
So Ladies and Gents do you keep pictures of your exes? Why? What’s your thoughts on dating/being with someone who keeps pictures of their exes? Tell Me A Story! Give Me A Comment!
Pic Sources: Indian Times & Madame Noire
17 comments on “The Ex-Files: Keeping Pictures of The Ex”
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I don’t keep pictures of my ex out of respect (and the fact that my last relationship ended on bad terms) so I don’t expect him to either. I think what Obenewa said and the things you said were right JC, if they’re on certain platforms its understandable but I wouldn’t feel comfortable personally
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I still have pictures of my ex…not on my phone, nor in my room. You may be able to find one on fb but in an old album not in my profile pictures. The pictures that I still have are on my computer. First and foremost they are memories and I don’t think there is anything wrong in keeping memories as long as you don’t let it interfere with the present or future. Out of respect to a future partner I wouldn’t have these pictures on show or somewhere where he could stumble across them and I would expect this from my partner also. You can’t deny someone’s past, it is just about having boundaries.
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This is a problem I recently had with my new boyfriend. I had albums and albums with my ex boyfriend on Facebook. I didn’t really see the issue until my now boyfriend asked me how I would feel if the tables were turned. Understandable. I took the pics off.
I was with my ex so long I have many pics, cards, little gifts, ect dealing with him. My family also loved him and it broke their hearts when I told them that I broke up with him. They haven’t even met my new boyfriend but they already don’t like him- because he is not my ex.Unfair to the fullest extent. My new boyfriend is more up to my speed. I am happy, but from time to time when I think about my ex I get kind of sad because we have a lot of memories together. We were together for three years, so that’s hard to shake. I guess I should have gave it time in between but I thought the best way to get over one man would be I let a new one in ASAP, but that wasn’t a fool proof plan. I’ll be alright tho.
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1st – welcome back!! *flings confetti
2nd – this was a GREAT breakdown.I came across pics of 2 different exes recently. the 1st i didn’t even know i had, and subsequently shredded.
The second though, is harder. I (being a girl) have a scrapbook of a relationship that was heading in the direction of marriage. I wanted it to be something I show our kids. When I broke up, I logistically didn’t know HOW to get rid of it. I always kept it hidden because I never wanted anyone new to think that he’s still someone I’m thinking about. Every so often, I’ll wonder if I should burn it or throw it in the garbage. Neither seems appropriate. So I’ve left it to my sis to shred for me. I’m sadder about the scrapbook than the relationship (lol).
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There are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries with this in my opinion.Very interesting topic, nice start back to the New Year BWNG.
Welcome Back!
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Definitely a great topic. It’s interesting because I went through a shift in stance before I even got through a paragraph of the post. I had automatically assumed that we were going to be discussing naked pictures of ex girlfriends, and I’m 100% against those. Nevermind the fact that I wouldn’t have naked pictures of a significant other to begin with, I definitely wouldn’t be holding onto them while in a new relationship.
Once I got a sense of where the story was headed, I paused for a split-second and thought about it. I have pictures of me and an ex in particular who is currently one of my good friends. I made the decision awhile ago that we would be no more than friends, so I’m not keeping them in the hopes that we will reunite. I do not look at or for them every couple of weeks; they’re just there. They’re memorabilia, and although we had some rough times, they’re a reminder that there were also good times. It’s one thing for people to delete all FB evidence of their previous relationship(s), but quite another to throw everything away completely. I’m not advocating for keeping thousands of pictures, but unless the person is displaying them in plain sight or gazing at them longingly ever so often, it shouldn’t be a problem. In this story, the woman did not act wisely.
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Love this post.
I confess that I am guilty of having multiple photos of THE ex in my apartment. When my Mr. Max was here for a recent visit, I was incredibly self-conscious about it the whole time.
I do think it’s inappropriate to have multiple pics of my ex and none of my current in my home and if it was the other way around I would throatpunch him.
And yet…I don’t take the pictures down *shrugs*
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Great great topic. When it comes to these things I have a simple rule: If you know your partner well and you know the kind of things that would piss him/her off, don’t do it. Even if you think there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not worth the hassle. I agree with the 5 W’s, very cleverly put by the way. And I’m quite easy going when it comes to these things but I know my husband isn’t, and for that reason I tend to just go his way just for the sake of peace. But breaking up over a picture? Mmmh I think this just highlights some underlying problems that already existed in the relationship.
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Love this, it helped me a lot. I was on my boyfriends computer and i saw a pic of his ex in some sexy lingerie. I didnt know what to do at first because this was his most important ex, who is the only person he said he’s ever fully loved … I dont want to confront him because i dont want to fight but at the same time i do not feel comfortable. So this article made me realise im entitled to ask about it because i would never do the same to him
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Difficult topic. I have quite a story about this. I’ve always felt guilty for caring so much about my boyfriend (now husband) keeping pictures of his exes…But these are the circumstances: When we started dating, we lived really far from each other, so one day in April I came to visit and we started sharing his computer. So one day when he was at work I downloaded a photo editing program and when I started using it, it opened all the pictures in his albums. That’s when I found an album called “work” (sneaky) that had different files each of them named after his exes and girls-he-hooked-up-with… and voila! Naked/underwear pictures of all of them. Of course I almost went into hysterics. I’ve always found it difficult to understand people keeping pictures of their exes and I’ve always been very jealous of past relationships, so if on top they are naked, it’s too much for me to bear. There were two things I saw that bothered me the most: First, The EX: with one of these ex girlfriends he had a long distance, long term relationship (she lives in another state) and they were on and off for several years and only saw each other once in a while. But I know she was his most important relationship until then. He had lots of pictures of her on his computer of times when she visited him -along with the ones of her naked. Secondly, these other pictures of this other girl (also in underwear) with date February and March – and we had met in December!! (and he had told me he wasn’t seeing anyone at that time) But I made a big effort and swallowed it, didn’t say anything. My vacation ended and I went home. A couple of months passed and we decided to move in together, that would mean me leaving my country, job, family and everything in order to be with him. A couple of days before I moved, it was his birthday. And this long term ex girlfriend left a greeting on his wall on FB, and he replied, and there they were messaging back and forth and calling nicknames to each other. I freaked out and told him to delete her from FB or I wouldn’t move at all. He wouldn’t delete her, saying they were just friends, they had got over each other, that he would hardly ever talk to her, that it would be unpolite to delete her, that she was his past but I was his future, and so on. Again, I gave in on this subject and moved in with him anyways in July, but I got absolutely obsessed about this ex girlfriend. One day we were at home, and this other girl whose pictures dated from after we met showed up. It was the most uncomfortable situation, he introduced her to me, she stayed only for a couple of minutes and left. We had the worst argument afterwards and I told him everything about the pictures I saw. He admitted that when he met me he was still seeing this girl but it wasn’t serious and that he had continued seeing her for a couple of months but then broke up because he was very into me. And he deleted the naked-ex album from his computer. In November we got married. Honestly I hadn’t got over those things that really hurt me and I was waiting for the right moment to bring up the subject again. Until we had another argument after a comment from his ex girlfriend to one of our pictures. I told him I didn’t like her seeing our pictures. our wedding, home and daily life and I didn’t like him seeing hers. He told me that he did not want to delete her but he would never talk to her again and I asked him if that was the case, what was the point in having her on FB? This continued for a while until he deleted his ex girlfriend and this other girl from FB. This was my little victory, but I keep thinking if he regrets having deleted her, or still talks to her by email or text messages. I also saw lots of pictures of other girlfriends in boxes when we moved in a new house. And he has them on FB too. One day I asked him if he still had ex girlfriends on Fb and he said no. But I know he does. I keep wondering why he keeps their pictures, why he would lie about it in order not to have to delete them from FB and his life. It hurts me, I know in this case there are not nude pictures involved but I still feel he is not respectful of my feelings. I really hope in time I will get over my insecurities and learn to accept these things. What do you think?
Memory boxes, facebook pictures from days gone by are all good. Three FRAMED pictures in your BEDROOM?! Not so much. If that isn’t asking for trouble I don’t know what is..
The issue with pictures of the ex is defo not clear cut though. Great post!