The Theo Mixtape: 6 Songs that show the different levels of Friend Zone
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They say the friend zone is a dark and lonely place. I agree, but to that I must add only for those who don’t know the dynamics involved in getting into the zone. The friend zone shares parallels with the London congestion zone, in that once you have entered there is a wave of self-pity, sorrow and trying to remember how you missed the signs, but then somehow you have to pay your dues and remember to not unexpectedly find yourself here again.
When it comes to Theo – our web series character- I guess the questions we all are wondering is: has he learnt his lesson? How will he react to Nicole in the office? Will he play the Heskey role elsewhere? Well only time will tell, possibly in the next episode. But for the real life Theo’s out there I bring you the musical references to ponder on which direction to best take a relationship once you have been presented with a first class honors from the University of Friendship Platonia.
First we need to understand how brothers get caught up in the friend zone. I see it, as there are two routes to the friend zone:
So you choose to just play the friendship zone, hiding your true feelings, hoping for a perfect day.
This is what I call “personal incarceration” and your mandem need to bail you out because it could get messy. A valuable lesson learnt as a BWNG is to try to avoid these hidden intentions with female friends.
I am a firm believer that with any female friend you are attracted to, -particularly in my 20s – has to be given what I call the “Inzaghi”. Which basically is once in a while testing the “offside” rule (going beyond friend zone), verbally or physically and leave it to her to call “offside” or “wave play on”.
Also don’t let the “I thought we were friends” card get to you. Think about it what is worse? A friendship where ones develops feeling – be it sexual or genuine feelings- kept a secret, or one that is shown and gives either of you the opportunity to reevaluate the friendship? If the “friends don’t do that” card is played then you just respect their wish and keep it moving. There is no point in having hidden motives and investing emotionally beyond the realms of what a male / female friendship needs, just so they can wake up one day and accept you as an option. Women love games and they will take you to town with that attitude.
2. The chick that you liked from the get go and she put you in your place for three reasons:
2.a) She is in a relationship, but she would like to entertain the thought that she has options to balance out the emotional deficit in her current relationship.
2.b) She is single and not attracted to you, but thought that she would break you down softly or keep you there until she can overcome what it is that she fails to find attractive.
2.c) She has just come out of a relationship and you could be a place-holder, until her ex comes up back to his senses.
The Theo Mixtape: The Musical Maze
Now, if you happen to be entering from route 1 or 2, be happy that at this point the future is in your hands. The aim is to “keep it moving” and go on about your business and stop troubling any woman that gives you the four types of cold shoulder above. Too much investment in the friend zone leads to one of two direction “The Mario Winnans – I Don’t Want to Know” or the “Bashy – Men Pride” stage.
Level One: The Persistent Friend
This stage is usually entered via the rejection from a friend, where a brother has made a failed attempt to win over the girl but would persist in putting forward a weak argument as to why she should take you to the next level.
Soundtrack: Mario – Just a Friend
“You can call me anytime you like (oh anytime)
It doesn’t matter day or night (said it doesn’t matter)
We can do whatever you (ohh)
Wanna do it’s up to you
Don’t fight the feeling that you feel (don’t fight the feelin’)”
Soundtrack: The Mario – Let Me Love You
This stage is for them brothers who got the 2a) or 2c) rejection, basically there is someone else in the picture. Either an ex-boyfriend or a current boyfriend who is not treating her the way the friend thinks she should be treated. These brothers are the type that have not learnt anything from the “Just Friends” stage, so they turn to super detective, not because they genuinely want to help their female friend, but rather to plant a seed that they are what she needs.
“Baby I just don’t get it
Do you enjoy being hurt?
I know you smelled the perfume, the make-up on his shirt
You don’t believe his stories
You know that they’re all lies
Bad as you are, you stick around and I just don’t know why”
A brother could have just left it at that but noooooo.
“If I was ya man (baby you)
Never worry bout (what I do)
I’d be coming home (back to you)
Every night, doin’ you right
You’re the type of woman (deserves good thangs)
Fistful of diamonds (hand full of rings)
Baby you’re a star (I just want to show you, you are)”
Level Three: Booty Call
Soundtrack: Drake – Hate sleeping alone
In some cases the detective work tends to pay off. When a woman is emotionally vulnerable from dodgy relationship, it is usually the detective guys who are ready to pounce on any opportunity of a broken heart. These are the kind of men that keep bottles of alcohol all over the house waiting to get you tipsy or probably open the door topless and strapped (wearing a condom) hoping you walk through the door like Darryl in Coming to America.
“…Cause I hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
Half the time we don’t end up f*cking, I don’t ask her for nothing
You leave me in the morning, I don’t see her for months
But I just hate sleeping alone, I hate sleeping alone
So she’s here and we’re both so gone”
Level Four: Captain Save a Broad / Sprung
Soundtrack: Practice – Drake / Trey Songz – We Can’t Be Friends
When you get to this stage, it usually means that you are into deep and to her it is nothing more than a booty call.
“…You telling me it’s only been a couple other people that you’ve been with
I’mma trust you I’mma give you the benefit of the doubt, And I’mma love you
You can even call me daddy, I’ll give you something to look up to”
When a brother starts using terms like “benefit of the doubt” it is dangerous territory, usually one base away from excusing any her extra curricular activities.
Level Five: Muggage
Soundtrack: Bashy ft Wretch 32 – Male Pride
Once you make that commitment to accept your woman’s past, you better make sure that it is in the past, because it is very likely that you will get mugged off, especially if you weren’t the first option.
“Male pride, no next man should have felt mine…”
At least Bashy and Wretch were assertive to the point where they had enough, but there are certain brothers out there that would turn a blind eye from it all.
Level Six: Moistness
Soundtrack: Mario Winans – I Don’t Want To Know
This is the ultimate pathetic excuse of a man. And ultimately where the persistent detectives end up if they are not assertive enough to shut down any dodgy behaviors from early.
You know the type of brothers who are so delusional that they get lost in the moment.
Girl: “Baby I slept with your friend
Boy: “Its not you baby, I made you cheat”
So guys, lets be honest which levels have you reached with “Female Friends”, if I am honest I have dabbled within level one and three. Anything beyond that is emotional suicide, especially if you were always a contingency plan.
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