Does art imitate life or life imitate art? This is one of those questions if brought up in discussion (my discussions are much cooler than this of course) that go round in circles, like what came first the chicken or the egg?  This is not a philosophical debate though so I wont go there I’ll just say I’m here to tell you that Hollywood is a lie. You would think most people know this already but never make such assumptions, some people are still living in Disneyland as we speak and sitting down at the computer still trying to work out what came first the chicken or the egg?

For me movies are movies and I enjoy it for what it is, entertainment. Sure they can be reflective and life lessons can be learnt but they’re generally not something to take too literally. If you could it would be cool though; if life were a movie then on paper it would be absolutely amazing. I would want the abilities of Neo, charm of James Bond and appeal to women of all ages like Denzel Washington. I wouldn’t do the dishes, have times where I sit around doing absolutely nothing all day; I wouldn’t bother with my laundry unless it’s in a Laundrette, where of course I would most likely bump into the woman of my dreams.  It’s not that I’m a killjoy saying people don’t bump into their dream partner in the launderette or anything….but people don’t meet the partner of their dreams in the launderette. There are loads of things that happen in movies that don’t often happen in our day to day lives and if they happen in yours please send me an email I would very much like to be your best friend.

1. The best bits happen in slow motion.

When you have that life changing moments/ moments of brilliance/near danger escapes, they usually happen very quickly unlike what you just saw in the video. Most things are so quick that you rarely even notice how close you actually came to danger and you never get enough time to really soak up your big moment. It’s like when I used to score great goals in my football playing youth days from outside the area, I kicked it and it just went in. No fireworks, no cheerleaders, no Andy Gray orgasms, deft silence, nothing! It wasn’t anything like Robin Van Persie on Match of the Day where the ball took a full 20 seconds to finally hit the net with him thinking “damn that shot is amazing, I’m the man”. Unfortunately the best bits seem to happen in real time which is usually too fast to remember unless you were on the receiving end of one of these.

2. The main guy/girl always gets the girl/guy.

In the movies the main character always manages to end up with the girl, you can sense it usually after about 15 minutes of watching most films regardless of whether this guy has game or not. In real life the main character who is YOU rarely gets the person you have been fantasising about (in slow motion of course) every time they walk passed you. It happens sometimes of course but the odds are not the same. If this was really the case I would just pack my bags and go and move as close to Stacey Dash as economically possible, probably get a job in some form of delivery service and there would be no time for me to be writing this post. There is somebody out there for everybody of course just not everybody ends up with Sanaa Lathan.

3. People attack you in an orderly fashion.

Hopefully no group will attack you in your lifetime and you will be kept out of harms way but if they do remember that The Transporter was only a film so please don’t try this at home as YOU WILL GET SERIOUSLY INJURED. They are not going to come at you one at a time giving you 5 second intervals to catch your breath and stretch, so look for your exit and bounce if there is more than 6 of them. Watching Jason Statham doing all of this with absolutely no superpowers will do you absolutely no favours if you take it too seriously and end up drunk and rowdy on the wrong street one day.

4. Kisses

Like This:

5. The least unattractive person at work/school gets rid of their glasses,  cuts their hair, changes clothes and becomes the most attractive person in the building.

Yeah right.

6. You can a catch a running person whilst walking.

Unlike films if you want to catch somebody who is running, unless they are under ten, over 25 stone or over 75 years old you will probably have to run yourself too. Michael Myers gets on my nerves big time!! If he was chasing me I seriously doubt I would be shook if he was walking behind me at 1mph, I couldn’t even call that chasing, I would probably give him a wave.

7. You can have sex within hours of meeting someone.

Not to say that people don’t have sex on the first night because we know that’s not true but it usually goes down with more alcohol and less romantic music. Its less likely to follow the Hollywood route. You are both sitting down gazing at each other across the bar. “Hi, how are you?”… “My name is…” *cut to bedroom scene* I wish!!

8. At the very absolute last second you will ALWAYS come back from the brink of defeat

That only happens to Manchester United.

That’s just a list of things you see in movies that don’t usually take place in real life.  I just thought of them after watching one of the most unrealistic movies of all time (I’m such a cynic I know). If you know any that you think i missed out feel free to add more to the list.

Peace out!

Don Kwelu

PS: The Black Comedy Awards are back!! On 4th April 2012 you will have a fantastic opportunity to be part of a unique night to celebrate, honour and laugh with the funny men and women who had audiences roaring with laughter in 2011. Click HERE to find out more details and get your ticket