As 2010 ended I sat and pondered the highs and lows of what will truly go down as a memorable year. This was after all the year in which Thank Me Later and Teflon Don proved Hip Hop is still partially alive with Ross’ tagline BAWSE staking its claim for a place in the Oxford Dictionary (an individual with more swagger than your average). There were many more highlights, Inception wowed movie fans and made you ponder the origins of your dreams meanwhile the Spanish football team dazzled us in the World Cup showing us you can do it the stylish way and still get the result (are you watching Arsene Wenger?).

However for every genius there are 100 twats and oh boy if there was an award for idiot of the year we would have an endless list of nominees, headed by Julie from the family (the way my mum would beat the black outta that stupid girl). However let me not stray from the point i’ll get to her and the other idiots in other posts soon to come. In this post right here I would like to pay homage to those individuals who attempted (in their own strange way) to keep it real with disastrous consequences. Ladies and gentlemen I give you when keeping it real went wrong 2010.

For those of you familiar with Dave Chappelle and have seen his skit “When keeping it real goes wrong” you will know where this is heading, for those who don’t, never fear, for it is here…

Let’s paint a scenario for you. Gents, your girl (ladies I’ll come to you later) comes home from the hairdressers and asks you if you like her new hair she has just spent 10 hours doing. Let’s say you think she looks great, then you can tell her she looks fantastic, beautiful, you love the way it accentuates her facial features or whatever TRUTHFUL comment you feel to use. Now if we flip this scenario (and brothers we have all been here) and she comes home with some hairstyle from hell  e.g. shocking weave, dodgy fringe or the braids which make you look like your hairline is receding what do you do? As stylish as she thinks it is, you think it looks like it was done by Venus William’s stylist or somebody who was clearly a hater. You are now faced with a problem and need to give what we like to call the REAL-ALITY check. Its simple you have got to say what you think without stuttering in a tactful way as not to cause any offence.

Can’t leave the ladies out picture this so to give you a conundrum picture this…. You and your man are in the bedroom kissing; he moves his lips down to your neck whilst stroking your thighs and the mood is heightened. The situation begins to become more and more intense, he has preheated the oven and now its time to put the main course in. He puts it in and its cooking, hell yeah its cooking, lets say 2-3 mins to be exact then pow outta nowhere there’s a power shortage and theres no more electric (something like a day in Nigeria except there’s no generator). The oven is hot as hell and this fool has gone and turned the power off (twat). He rolls over all sweaty and looking pleased with himself and you……………. lets say feel unimpressed to be modest. He then asks “How was it for you babes”? Is time for you to give the REAL-ALITY check? Do you let it slide and wait for him to leave so you can draw for your electric replacement and finish the job?

These are just examples in which keeping it real can go horribly wrong and sometimes it might not even be anywhere near as extreme as this. Its at this point where an individual can excel or fall on his sword to die a horrible death. You can keep it real, you can tell a lie you can ignore the question but you must do something. Think about what you would have said or done in either situation and read on to find out what these dickheads did when they PERCIEVED it was time for them to give a REAL-ALITY check.

Mel Gibson…

What inspired Mel’s poor attempt to give a REAL-ALITY check is anyone’s guess. His opinion on his wife’s fake breasts “I think they look ridiculous” that’s fair…I have seen them and I agree they do. He then went on to say “keep them, look stupid if you want see if i give a f*ck“. Now this guy seriously was not thinking about the rules of keeping it real, if he was to have stopped there I would have said ‘you know what he’s just angry and stupid’ (whilst hysterically laughing at the TV) and left it at that. But then he dropped the line “ You look like a bitch on heat if you get raped by a pack of ni**as its your fault”. I suddenly stopped laughing at CNN and immediately picked up my phone to text the mandem that if anyone sees him on road holla at me .  Mel Gibson i salute you keeping it real (to yourself) has cost you your career wife and respect. Im sure however he’s at home screaming like Dave Chappelle “I’m rich bitch” and don’t give a damn, just let me or my mum not see you in Dalston Market ’cause you will feel a hefty piece of yam conk you on your head.

John Mayer…

This guy is undeniably talented; I will go as far to say if i closed my eyes I would think he’s black  but last year I’d say his popularity in the black community decreased immensely. In his defence i don’t actually think what he said was that bad or certify him as a racist purely off those remarks. He is however without a shadow of a doubt a certified pleb (oldschool). This guy actually was a part of the Chappelle show team, he has seen when keeping it real goes wrong but still he finds himself in my list, shame on you John! In his interview with Playboy magazine, apart from airing Jennifer Aniston’s and Jessica ‘I can’t spell, read or write’ Simpson‘s dirty laundry in public he likened his penis to a White supremacist “Who does that??”. And when asked how it feels to have a hood pass responded with “if i really had a hood pass i could call it a ni**a pass”. Thats only parts from it and it may not be word perfect but he used the N word, called his dick racist and did both in the SAME interview. John Mayer imma still bump an odd tune here or there but you lost ratings, not for your statements but for a lack of common sense. And keeping it real has clearly gone wrong for you with the public backlash received after the interview. So what now for Mr Mayer? I say go to Harlem and try out that hood pass of yours to see if its still valid. Somehow I think you’re gonna have an oyster card SEEK ASSISTANCE response and end up calling 911.

——–> John Mayer Interview <——–

Tiger Woods…

I don’t know if keeping it real was actually his downfall but I’ll add him purely based on the fact he annoys me and I think his first name is utterly ludicrous. From the time of his infamous “I’m not black” statement referring to his mix of ethnicity as Cablinasian whatever the hell that is I started to wonder about the PR skills of this Golfing superstar. I felt I could only forsee future controversy for him ahead and lo and behold in 2010 he duly delivered. Waitresses, strippers, porn stars and whichever white women he could get his hands on all got the best of Mr Woods and I couldn’t help but think if only you never had made that statement someone, somewhere on planet earth would have your back. OJ killed someone allegedly and somehow he still had people screaming free OJ, Tiger however was the laughing stock of the sporting world with not even an audible sympathetic whisper coming from anywhere. When you’ve got Al Sharpton sending shots at you for a “lack of Ethnic mistress diversity” (Hysterical) , you know you’re in trouble. Add that to the most pathetic apology which only served to make himself seem a bigger idiot, losses of multiple sponsors and crying on tv, Tiger Woods not only had a shocking year he had apparently zero allies. I hope he still has a small fan base in China and Thailand as otherwise Tiger may as well take all those billions retire now and pick up a blonde waitress in the sticks somewhere. This time get a Prenup drawn up son!

Julian Assange…

So there are secret Government files flying around and the public deserve to know some of the shocking truths of our world governments. You have this info in your possession and feel you gotta keep it real, you know “for the people”. I would say leaking that ish is true bravery. This guy has made himself a LEGEND and I speak for everyone when I say we salute you. For real brother, no joke I’m with you on that ‘F the system’ thing, HOWEVER I watched The Matrix, Enemy of the State, Mercury Rising, The Manchurian Candidate, The Da Vinci code etc and I’m not trying be on the run with agent Smith running me down asking for “The Tape”. This dude is absolutely insane, how this website is in your name and messing with the governments of the world at the same time is beyond me. I hate to say it but if dude was black I think it might be a different story. As a Nigerian I’d say you would be lucky if my gas bill, mobile phone and credit (cough) is in my name and it’s for a reason, 419 protection. Not you though sir you kept it so real Julian and if you survive without lengthy incarceration, assassination, or being forcibly given whatever drugs they gave MJ for the next 10 years your not only a hero, you’re NEO.

So ladies and gents, tell me about a time when you or someone you know kept it real and it went incredibly wrong!

Don Kwelu